Clearly Loudly
by xKeepxRunningx
Summary: Tegan and Sara have been together their whole lives but now, in the middle of their 2012 tour, Sara feels tempted to leave Tegan, risking everything, including their careers, to be with another woman. Quincest.
1. Faithful

"Just play the two damn notes…" I say through clenched teeth.

She sighs and hides her face in her hands. I wait in silence, biting hard unto the pick in my mouth. We don't look directly at each other; it'd only increase the tension and being only a day away from our first show, well, we can't really afford the distraction.

She nods, mostly to herself it seems, and lets out a puff of air though her lips.

"Ok, let's do this one more time," I instruct. I take the pick from my mouth and take a short pause before hitting the strings. Perfectly in sync, we both begin playing at exact same time. I exhale, so far so good.

"_Built a wall of books between us in our bed…"_I start to sing.

We continue playing and then I hear it.

"For the love of fuck, is it really that difficult to press-" I begin to say, giving up on being patient and throwing the pick across the room.

"Fuck you, ok!? Shit, it was a mistake, I almost had it." She glares at me, shakes her head, and then, out of nowhere, turns and makes her way out the door.

"What the-!? Where the fuck are you-!?" I begin to rise from my stool, anger rising inside my chest. I'm about to take my guitar off when she storms back inside, taking me by surprise when she barks through her clenched teeth.

"You did, you know? Built a fucking wall." She turns and heads out again, slamming the door behind her and leaving me standing there, overwhelmed with far too many feelings to give name to.

"Tegan…" I whisper to the empty room.

**Tegan  
**

I place the cigarette to my lips and take a deep pull, it had been a while since I had resorted to these methods of stress release but Sara was really getting to me. I think back to the past few months and I can't help but feel nauseated, like I'm on a roller coaster and I've just realized the fucking lever broke and I'm bound to stay here indefinitely.

Or am I?

I didn't get it. Things had been so well and then…then she just left, leaving a shell behind to hold her face but no damn trace of the warmth I knew her so well for.

I take another cigarette out of the pack and place it to my lips without putting out the old one. I take what is now nothing more than the burning filter and place it to the new one, pulling in the first puff.

"Now THAT is chain smoking," I chuckle to myself.

"THAT is also something you hadn't done in a while…" I hear Sara say behind me.

I shake my head once and shrug, "yeah, times are a-changing I suppose."

She walks up to me and leans against the railing of the wheelchair ramp that leads to the entrance of the studio. I'm sitting on the steps, but I refuse to look up at her.

"Are they?" She asks in low voice.

"You ought to know," I say as I finish my third cigarette, taking a long last pull until I feel the burning filter sting my lips. Satisfied, I drop the butt and step on it. I get up then and start walking back home.

**Sara**

I check my hair in the mirror, pop a Tic Tac, and head out the door of my apartment to the waiting taxi. A few minutes later I find myself looking out the half rolled down tainted window facing a gorgeous, slender, long-dark hair girl waiting outside the very club I asked her to meet me at. My hands are sweating, my knees are shaking, and I feel like I might puke at any moment.

"I need to get out here," I say to myself.

"Pardon?" Asks the taxi driver.

"Nothing. I'm sorry, I changed my mind, I need to be elsewhere," I tell him, giving him the address of a flower shop I had walked by often these past few days in Vancouver.

Once we arrive I pay him, making sure to give him a good tip but he stops me when he sees the twenty dollar bill.

"Take it," I say, confused, "I made you wait when you picked me up, then you politely complied to parking outside the club for 15 minutes only for me to ask you to bring me here instead."

He smiles, "I know most people would consider me a fool, but I consider it a large tip enough that you changed your mind about that girl outside the club. Now, go get _your _girl flowers."

I look at him, awestruck.

"Th-thank you," I finally manage.

He nods and I hear him wish me good luck as I climb out of the cab. I'm about to head into the flower shop when I hear him calling me back.

"I want you to remember one word," he says, " 'Faithful'," he smiles and drives away.

It takes me about ten minutes to purchase the flowers and make my way to Tegan's house where I find the lights from the living room on, the curtains pulled open allowing any passerby a view into her lovely home. I peer in, not seeing any sign of her being in the house, so I decide to walk around to the back, where I know Tegan has a tendency to spend hours pondering on anything and everything while staring at her garden.

I hear her before I even see her, her soft voice weaving in and out of the sweet notes her fingers are plucking on her guitar.

"_-you only find love once in your life__,__ so I guess when you find it __you're gonna hold it right__,__ you'll hold it right..."_

I'm lost in her voice, in the sight of her features in the dim light coming from the back porch lamp. So much so that I don't notice my foot stepping on a branch until I hear the slight _crack!_

Tegan looks up and faces me, "Oh…hi."

I feel myself smile, the warmth in my chest expanding as I walk towards her. She's sitting on the table of her backyard living room, her foot perched on a chair. She looks so lovely with her messy hair, wearing a black cardigan a size too large for her figure.

"Hey yourself," I say, "it's been a while since you've sang that for me."

She chuckles, "it has, hasn't it?" She looks down at the guitar in her hands, then back to me, "I've never forgotten this song, you know? I forget so many, either the lyrics or the chords, but I've never forgotten this song, regardless of how long ago it's been since I first wrote it."

I reach my hand to her face, cupping her cheek and stroking it with my thumb, "I know, love, I know."

I lean in slowly, pausing mere centimeters from her lips, and look into her eyes. There's something so lovely about them, the way they twinkle in excitement yet still have room for sadness in them, as odd as it might sound I find the mixture of the two quite romantic. I press my lips to hers gently, taking her bottom lips between my own too. I wrap one arms around her neck and I feel her place her hand on my waist, pulling me closer. There's no tongue, no sensuality, only an everlasting sense of love and passion. I feel my heart flutter as I break the kiss, never pulling away from her. Resting my forehead to hers, I let the warmth of her breath and her scent surround me.

"I brought you flowers," I finally say, opening my eyes.

She smiles lightly, "I've noticed."

I pull away enough to hand her my offering, "tulips for a Tegan."

She laughs, "why, you're far too kind." She tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, "you're such a dork."

"-asaurus," I finish, grinning. She laughs again, smiling down at me. She gets up and, holding my hand, leads me into her house.

I sit on her couch, next to where she has set down her acoustic, and wait for her while she looks for a vase for the tulips. When she returns she finds me pulling the curtains shut.

"Doubt we want the neighbors looking in," I explain.

"I didn't know we were doing something we _didn't _want the neighbors to see," she retorts, but I can see the corner of her lips lifting slightly.

I turn to face her, pause, and finally walk into her arms.

"Listen," I say, "I want you to know I'm so sorry. Not just about today, I know I've been distant these past few months and I know it's not fair to you. I want you to know that it's not your fault. I'm so so so-" her lips cut me off, pressing firmly against my own. I feel her tongue softly graze my bottom lip and I grant her entrance. She pulls me close, pressing herself against me and I forget how to breathe.

She pulls back, arms still around me. "Sara," she says, "I know." And, looking into her eyes, I know she does. She knows I'm sorry, she knows I'm trying, and that's all I need.

**Tegan**

I lead her up the stairs, shutting the living room lights off on our way. She giggles behind me and I can't help but do the same. We reach the room and I hold the door open for her.

"Aren't you the gentlemen," she teases.

"Always," I smile.

She melts into me, her arms wrapping themselves around my neck, her warm tongue dancing in my mouth asking, begging, for more. I slowly unbutton her blouse as she unzips my pants, we shed our clothing and I push her gently down on the bed. I climb on top of her and I allow myself to marvel at the beauty of her body, my eyes taking every crevice, every curve, every perfect imperfection. I trail kisses from her torso, up between her breasts, along her collarbone and neck. I feel her vocal cords vibrate as a low moan escapes her lips when I suck on her neck, finally I kiss her lips gently.

"I love the way you look at me," she says, gazing at me and placing her hands around my neck, "I love how you get lost. It's like you've never seen something so beautiful, and then you look so hungry; there's so much _want_ in your eyes."

"That's because I never have," I say, "I've never seeing anything more beautiful that you." I kiss her then, sucking on her bottom lip as I massage her inner thighs. She presses herself against me, shuddering when she feels my fingers rubbing her clit. She gasps in pleasure when I enter her wet core.

"Hmm…Tee…faster..p-please, baby" She moans into my mouth.

I shove my finger deeper as I pick up speed, my other hand caressing her breast, pinching her nipples as my mouth moves down to suck on her neck. Her hips are grinding against my hand, perfectly in sync. I suck on her nipple and bite down, eliciting a moan from her mouth. I can feel her walls expanding, making room, and I know she's ready. I pull my hand back just the slightest bit and I feel her take in a deep breath; she knows its coming. I shove my hand back in, inserting four fingers into her, cupping my hand as I enter her deep and hard. My thumb plays with her clit as my hand pumps in an out of her core and I can feel the tension building up inside of her.

"Ohhh….oh god, f-fuck…Tegan…oh…ooohh….yesyes…ooohhhh!"

She wraps her arms around my shoulders, digging her nails on my shoulder blades and I feel her body stiffen and then fall back on the bed. Her cum drenches my hand and I feel my mouth water, longing to taste her in my mouth. I trail kissing and light bites down her torso, parting her legs farther apart as my tongue outlines her drenched lips. She whimpers, begging to feel my tongue inside her. I raise my eyes to meet hers and lick my hand clean while she watches with lust filled eyes. I can no longer resist the temptation of having her in my mouth and I dive into her wet pussy, placing my hands behind her legs and on her waist, my tongue making its way as deep as it can go.

"Oh…hmmm..." She takes deep breaths and then lets out a moan when she feels my fingers enter her again.

I suck on her clit as I enter her, picking up speed when I feel her mount getting soaked again; I know she's almost there. Surely enough, as soon as I curve my fingers inside of her while sucking on her clit she gasps and I feel her shudder. I lick her cum off her mount and lick my hand clean before giving her clit a gentle kiss and laying beside her.

She keeps her eyes closed, lips slightly parted as she takes deep breaths. Beads of sweat are running down the side of her face and a layer of moist sweat makes the rest of her body glisten. I smile as I watch her, light shudders still making their way in her body. Finally, she licks her lips and smiles, turning to me as she opens her eyes.

"Why…hello there," she laughs.

"Hey there, gorgeous," I place my arm around her waist, resting my head on my palm as I prop myself up on my elbow.

"You," she pauses and sighs, "are fucking amazing, no pun intended." I laugh and kiss her.

She wraps her arms around me as her tongue dances inside my mouth. She pulls back and smirks, "and I love the way I taste in your mouth."

Suddenly, she flips us over, securing her position by straddling my waist.

"Oh?" I raise my eyebrows at her.

"My turn," she declares.

**Sara**

I wake up to the feeling of kisses trailing down my spine and I smile, hugging my pillow tighter as I stretch. I moan when I feel Tegan nibble on my lower back.

"You always know how to wake me up," I laugh.

"Gotta make sure I make my girl's happy," she says and I can hear a smile in her voice.

"I'm always happy when I wake up to you," I say.

She lays down beside me and I crawl into her arms, longing for the warmth her body repels. I breathe in her scent and wrap my arm around her waist, "I love you so much," I whisper into her neck.

"I love you so much too, beautiful," she says, tightening her hold before pulling back and kissing me.

"Baby, what time is it? Our show's today and as much as I would love to just lay here…well.."

She chuckles and nods, "don't worry, we have enough time to shower and have a hearty breakfast before heading to the venue."

And she was most certainly right, it was only 7:03 when we finally got up and headed to the shower. We took our time, slowly washing each other's hair, Tegan insisting on giving me a shoulder massage, and then just standing there under the spray of the warm water, holding each other. I outline the edges of her Justify tattoo, my eyes taking in the two silhouettes, smiling when she kisses my cheek after noticing what I'm staring at.

We get dressed soon after and Tegan heads to the kitchen to prepare coffee since we were just beginning to feel the nerves of the show to come and eating anything else was sure to proof impossible. I walk over to the kitchen, my arm sliding into the brown leather jacket of the night before.

"Smells good," I say, as Tegan hands me my cup.

"You bet," she smiles, "hey, can you order a cab while I go back upstairs to change into my other boots, these are killing me and I just put them on."

"Sure thing," I say, taking my cell out of my pocket as she heads up the stairs.

I order cab and wait for Tegan at the door, heading out when I see her return with her keys in hand.

"God, my stomach's getting queasy," she says, crunching up her face in discomfort.

"Oh baby, I'm sorry, I'm nervous too but I'm sure we'll pull this off," I say, my hand massaging her stomach lightly.

"Well, I'm sure you'll be great but I can't even play two notes and I don't want to ruin Back In Your Head."

I lean in and kiss her softly, my hands cupping her face, "baby, you'll do great, I'm so sorry I reacted that way."

"Hey, don't feel guilty, you were right…I really have to get right on that when we get to the venue."

"Don't worry, we'll start rehearsal as soon as we get there," I reassure her, turning around when I hear the cab pull over.

Tegan starts heading towards the car, opening the door for me as I climb in and then I see him. It's the same driver for last night. I feel my insides turn, hoping my guilt isn't plastered all over my face. It's then that I remember Tegan and I's resemblance and I feel even sicker. What will this man think? He was so kind last night, but what if after noticing our resemblance he puts two and two together and realizes that "my girl" is my own twin sister? Would he tell Tegan?

I hear Tegan giving him the directions as he looks back at us in his rearview mirror. His features don't betray his knowledge of me, he only nods politely and begins driving us towards our destination.

"Baby, are you alright, you look a little pale," Tegan says, a look of concern in her features.

"Yeah, I'm alright, it's the nerves setting in I suppose," I pretend brush it off.

I feel a wave of relief when I see the Vogue Theater's back entrance come into view, recognizing Ted's figure standing next to, lo and behold, our mother.

"Oh lord," I hear Tegan chuckle beside me, kissing my knuckles before the cab gets too close for them to see us. "Let's get the ball rolling, yeah beautiful?" She smiles my way and I find my tension easing, allowing myself a small laugh.

"You dork, of course, let's do this. We're going to be so dope!" She laughs as the cab comes to a stop, "don't worry, I'll take care of it, mom can hug your head off first," I laugh, hoping I can have a quick word with the driver.

"So unfair but alright, just for you," she miles.

I pretend to fumble with my wallet until she's out the door, finally taking the ten dollar bill and handing it to the man.

"Don't worry, I'm not one to judge the heart," he says, taking a wad of bills out and looking for my change, "I know that's what worries you, Sara."

I gape at him, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that he recognizes us, but then another worry enters my mind and surely enough, he seems to read my mind.

"My lips are sealed," he turns to look at me as he hand's me my change, "be happy, and treasure the love you hold."

I can do nothing more than nod and whisper a "thank you" as I exit the cab. I have no time to process the exchange before my mother has got me in an excruciating grip, gushing over how nervous I must be about the first show.

"Well mum, thanks for making me forget about my sickening nerves," I say sarcastically.

"Oh my baby, you'll be great, I'm sure of it," she smiles.

I shake my head and smile, saying hi to Ted before we head into the venue, Tegan distracting mum long enough to let me regain my posture.

"Hey Sasa," I hear Tegan call from behind me, "we're going to be so what?"

I smile and, raising our fists to the air, we yell in unison, "SO DOPE!"


	2. See Me When You're Better

**Tegan**

I can still hear the deafening screams of the audience as I make my way backstage removing my ear piece. I feel so incredibly light on my feet as I walk towards Sara and the boys, who are now high fiving each other and laughing, giddy from the ecstasy of a great tour opening show.

"'THAT GIF AND COCKAROACHES!' " Ted laughs, as he sees me approaching. I grin, stop in my tracks and do the pelvic thrust once more, causing Sara and the guys to erupt in laughter once more.

Sara gives me a wide smile, "oh god, you gotta admit it was funny," she says.

I laugh throw my arm around her shoulder, "course, you learned from the master after all."

"Oh please," she giggles.

We head to our dressing rooms, waving goodbye to the boys who are now helping the staff pack up, and lock the door behind us.

"You," I say, wrapping my arms around her waist, my hands sliding under her jacket and shirt, caressing the wet skin there, "were amazing." I kiss her, sucking on her bottom lip until she moans.

"As were you, love," she pulls me closer, wrapping her arms around my neck. I trail my kisses down her neck, sucking on her collar bone and she sighs.

"Teetee, if you keep going…" she moans.

"If I keep going?"

"I don't have another pair of jeans here," she giggles and I can't help but do the same. I pulls back and kiss the tip if her nose. "And you say I'm the deviant?"

I smile, "but of course," she giggles, "you're gorgeous."

"And you're beautiful, always," she rests her forehead to mine and a second later there's a knock at the door. We sigh in unison. "Twins!" She laughs. "Be right there!" She yells towards the door.

"I have a surprise for you later tonight," I say, wiggling my eyebrows at her and she laughs.

"I'll be waiting," she says, opening the door, "yes?"

"We're almost done packing," I hear Ted's voice say, "just in case you want to see the fans outside the venue, there's quite a handful."

"Sure, we'll be right there, thanks." She closes the door and turns to me.

I stick my tongue out and cross my eyes, "let's roll!" We laugh and finally start to get our stuff ready.

Ted was right; there were quite a handful of fans waiting for us. We sign autographs, take pictures and even accept a few gifts (a stuffed alligator for Sara and a pink boa for me, though I can't find the reference there). Finally we make it to the bus where the boys are already making plans for the night.

"Hey guys, we're heading to this bar not too far from the hotel, wanna come with?" Ted asks as we feel the bus pull out the Vogue's parking lot, heading to the hotel.

"Uh, nah, I'll pass. Rather get as much sleep as I can at the hotel before we leave in the morning."

Ted nods, "you Sara?"

"Nah, same,"

"Alright then, see you in the morning then."

It's only a few minutes later that we arrive at the hotel and part ways with them for the night, waving until they turn the corner. We check in and throw our bags on the floor as soon as we make it to our room.

"Forgot something, be right back," I say, heading out the door before Sara can say a word.

I run over to the front desk where I request room service for two, ordering a bottle of wine and some pasta.

"Hey, everything ok?" Sara asks when I return, glancing up from her book.

"Yeah, no worries," I smile.

I head to the bathroom, grabbing my bag as I cross the single room, ignoring Sara's confused stare. I wash my face and check my hair, changing into a sleeveless shirt and using my deodorant. We'll need the shower much more by the end of the night.

I walk into the room, where Sara's sitting on the edge of the bed, a bottle of wine in her hand, her eyebrows raised, "forgot something, you said?"

I chuckle, "you caught me."

I switch the lights off and it's only a matter of seconds before Sara switches the bedside table lamp on, falling into our familiar dance.

"You said you had a surprise for me," she says in a low voice and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck tingle.

"I do," I say, sitting next to her, "but first, let's make a toast."

She smiles, "very well then, that pasta smells amazing by the way," I turn and see the trolley table, the smell of pasta causing my stomach to grumble.

"Someone's hungry," she says, getting up from the bed to pour the wine.

I dash to the cart, "now, now," I say, taking the wine bottle and reaching for the corkscrew, "let me take care of this, you settle down and make yourself comfortable."

She chuckles, "well, well, if you insist," she says, removing her jacket and heading to the bathroom. I hurry, pouring us wine and pulling the cart to the bed, then I reach for the only chair in the room and set it in front of the cart. I just manage to light the candle when Sara returns.

I gesture for her to sit on the bed and she smiles.

"And now I wonder what I did to deserve this," she jokes as I sit on the chair across from her.

"Be your wonderful self again," I smile.

"Oh Teetee, you're such a cornball."

"Says the girl who just called me 'Teetee'," I laugh.

"Touché," she grins.

We eat, talking about the show, laughing at our mess ups, Sasa making fun of me for getting locked out of the venue after lunch, me expressing my relieve for not ruining Back In Your Head, and discussing tomorrow's schedule. When we're done I call room service and dispose of the cart, keeping the wine and glasses.

"Alright," I begin to say, "now that we won't be interrupted I can give you your present."

She just smiles as I sit on the bed with her, handing her a long and thin box.

"Open it," I say.

She does and I watch her face turn into the widest smile.

"Oh Tegan," she starts to say before I kiss her, preventing her from telling me that I shouldn't have spent my money.

I pull back, "it's an ankle bracelet," she nods, "I wanted to give you something that would represent us but I wanted it to be small and discrete; our own little secrete."

She smiles, "female," she outlines both crosses, "twin," she outlines the interlocking rings, "lovers," she outlines the heart which surrounds them. She looks up at me, "I love it Tegan."

I kiss her then, deeply and softly, pure and honest.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you too," she holds me and I rest my chin on her shoulder, hugging her back.

"Help me put it on," she says, excitement in her voice, I chuckle and prop her right foot on my knee, removing her boots and socks. I kiss her ankle and take the charm bracelet from her.

"It's beautiful Tegan; the Venus symbol, the way they interlock, the heart, the bracelet…" she looks down at her anklet, "I'm never taking it off."

I smile, "I'm glad you like it."

"What about you, babe?" She asks, looking back in the box.

"Right here," I take the charm and bracelet out of my pocket, "I thought of putting it on before but…I wanted you to do it."

"I'm glad you waited, I really want to be the one to put it on you," she takes my left foot on her knee and repeats the ritual. "There," she says, satisfied.

I take her hand in mine and kiss it, "be mine tonight?" I look into her eyes and she kisses my hand in return.

"Always."

**Sara**

I slide my hands along the side of her frame, kissing her torso and placing myself between her legs. In the dim light I can see the glistening spot soaking her panties. Her hands fumble with my belt and I pull back from her reach. She whimpers and I'm not sure if it's due to me pulling back or the fact that my fingers are pinching her nipples while I suck on her hip bone. No matter, I unzip my pants and pull them down along with my boy shorts.

"Oh…" I hear her murmur as she glances down at my naked torso, the strap-on firmly placed.

I nibble on her earlobe and whisper, "that pelvic thrust of yours really turned me on, Tee," she sighs and then moans when she feels me tease her wet pussy with the head of the dildo.

"Just fuck me already, Sara, or are are y-you…oh…really gonna make m-me b-beg?" I chuckle, enjoying watching her stumble on her words while I tease her.

"Ask me nicely," I say.

"You sadistic-" I bite her bottom lip before she can finish, but she knows hearing her attempt to dominate me while she's in such a compromising position really turns me on.

"Nicely," I purr as I suck on her nipple.

"Baby, please…fuck me, fuck me so hard I can't walk tomorrow. I want to cum for you."

That does it, I slide into her, thrusting gently at first and then speeding up, throwing my hips into her. She gasps, wraps her arms around my neck and bucks her hips along. I can feel the tension in my core building and I speed up my thrusts when I feel her arch her back, her nails digging into my back.

"W-wait…wait! Sara…stop," she says.

"What's wrong baby? Did I hurt you?" I say, looking down but she places her palm to my check and smiles.

"No baby, it's just…" she blushes, "I want _you _to make me cum tonight."

I feel my chest expand with warmth and, without taking my eyes off her, remove the strap-on and toss it to the floor. I settle back down between her legs, sliding my fingers into her. She moans and closes her eyes as I pick up speed and I never let myself look away. She looks so lovely. She arches her back and I feel the tremors start running through her.

"Oh…Sara!" I feel her cum drench my hand and pull out of her, licking my fingers clean while she watches.

"Hmmm…I love the way you taste, Tee."

She kisses me and I nestled back into her arms.

"You're amazing," she says, kissing my forehead.

"You too," I say, smiling at her, "we're twins after all."

We laugh and soon enough give into sleep.

I awake to the sound of guitar strings and a low hum. I turn to find Tegan sitting next to me, her torso still covered by the sheets, holding her acoustic and smiling down at me

"Morning, Sunshine."

"Hey there, when this that get here?" I ask, propping myself on my elbow and rubbing the sleep off my face.

"Magic," she chuckles, "I thought I would treat you to something," she says, running her fingers along the strings.

"Oh?" I say, my curiosity perking up as I sit in front of her.

She begins strumming and I instantly recognize the song. It really had been a while since she sang it to me.

_"__The sun's rays don't bother me__…"_

I smile, holding myself still, my eyes glued to her features, my ears concentrating on the sound of her voice.

_ "It makes no sense cause there's no sense in it at all; we all wait around, we wait for you to get tired and fall…"_

I had just left to Montreal when Tegan wrote this; I had left wanting nothing more than to escape the fierce longing, the magnetic pull, which was driving me insane. I thought I needed to get away, away from home, away from her. But I was dying inside; every second that passed from the moment I left her had burned my chest like acid.

"_She speaks clearly, he speaks loudly, I speak only clearly loudly. Yeah, my shadow, well it resumes with me. Yes, my shadow, well it was made for me…"_

Up to this day it still amazed me how Tegan had been so strong to tell our parents, but more than anything, how much she loved me even then to risk so much by telling them. She had taken most of the blow; I was too many miles away to receive the impact. Our mother was in shock for days; our father took it the worst, yelling, drinking, drowning in his confusion.

"_You moved so far that I know how far __and then you got so sad that I, I bought a car. Yes, I'll come get you __and I will bring you home…"_

But Tegan, she was so strong, so determined. She told them she would drive across the country, albeit without a license, just to convince me to come back. That's what made our parents realized that from our conception we were meant to be one; we _were _one and so we could only be each other's. So our father, bless his heart, decided _he_ would do the driving.

"_I'll come get you and I'll say 'welcome home'."_

I wrap my arms around her, squishing the guitar between us two, and kiss her.

"I absolutely, most certainly, without a doubt, love you." I say through the tears blurring my vision. She pulls back and so very gently, kisses both my eyelids and then kisses me.

"I absolutely, most certainly, without a doubt, love you too."

We eventually realize we only have a few minutes to make it to the bus to head to Seattle and so we jump out of bed, into the shower and into our clothes, hair soaking. The boys are already looking for us by the time we get there, telling us we're way behind schedule.

"Sorry guys, we forgot to the set the alarm," Tegan tells them as the bus roars to life.

"We called you both though, are your phones not charged?" Ted asks.

"Uh," I look down at my own phone, the screen dark and hold the call button. Nothing.

"Mine's dead," Tegan says from her bunk bed.

"Ditto," I reply, rummaging through my bag for my charger.

Once I connect it I turn my phone on, doubting I'll have anything to check. And then I see it, one missed call. Stacy. There's also a text reading "see me when you're better". She knows I was with Tegan.

"Everything alright, Sasa?" I hear Tegan call from across the hall.

"Yeah," I say, looking up and smiling, "all good."


	3. Tempt Me, Temptation

**Tegan **

I run my hands through my hair, feeling a few beads of sweat in the back of my neck. The breeze picks up and I shudder; Mexico weather was as confusing as New York City weather when I visited Sara. I place my hands on my waist, looking around the open stage as the staff walk around lazily, it was far too early in the morning to rush around; the show wouldn't start until the afternoon. This was our first time playing in Mexico and my stomach was tied into a thick knot, I was crossing my fingers I wouldn't be face to face with the porcelain god before the show.

"Tegan, come here a minute will you?" I hear Ted call from the tent set up a few yards away from the back of the stage. I climb down the stairs and head towards him; he's standing next to an unfamiliar girl who's about my height. Her hair's held in a ponytail, her bangs falling on her face, she's looking in the other direction, talking to Ted in a low voice.

"What's going on?" I ask, confused. The girl looks in rush and she won't stop rubbing her hands together, at first I dismiss it as it being from the cold breeze until I notice she won't look at me.

Ted turns to me, "Dave got a call last night, his mother's in the hospital and they don't think she'll make it so he's on his way to airport and is flying back to Chicago this morning. He asked me to tell you and Sara he's sorry he couldn't be here, he knows how much this show means to you both." I sigh, burying my face in my hands, trying to process the information all at once. Dave was our best gear technician, he had been with us for years and we had gotten well acquainted with his family. I couldn't believe his mother was so ill, my heart throbbed just thinking of how he must feel, how_ I _would feel if it was my mother in the hospital.

"God," I finally manage, "does Sara know yet?" I ask.

"No, this happened in the middle of the night, Dave asked me to wait until this morning to tell you both. I didn't want to be the one to wake Sara to the news." I nod, she would be nervous enough as it is. It is then that I realize the great problem facing both Sasa and I.

"Chris, Ted, we're going to be short one awesome tech, where the fuck am I going to get a new tech, much less a good enough tech?" I sigh, exasperated that this was all heading downhill so early.

"That's where Alex comes in," he says, nodding to the girl whose presence I had completely forgotten about.

"Hi," she says, giving me a smile which almost looks like a grimace and offering her hand. We shake and she looks away again.

"Hi," I say confused, turning to Ted, "I didn't know you had resolved the issue already."

"I didn't, Dave did. He told me about Alex, said he had already contacted her and she was on her way. Says she's an even better tech than he'll ever be," Ted laughs, looking at Alex.

She chuckles nervously, "I highly doubt that."

Suddenly I feel a rush of admiration for Dave, more so than I already felt, if that was even possible. "Leave it to Dave to fix everything up before leaving, even with a situation as this," I say, shaking my head in disbelieve.

Ted nods, "anyways, Alexandria here is taking over for Dave. He told me he already filled you in on the schedule," he says, turning to Alex who nods, "good, then I'll leave you two to discuss how you'll arrange yourselves." I watch him walk towards the tent, gesturing to our tour manager.

"Gosh Ted, bless his heart, he's actually telling Nick for me," I turn to Alex, "and bless Dave for sending you, I highly doubt we would've been able to find someone on such short notice."

She blushes and nods, "yeah, I haven't seen Dave in years actually, we try to keep in contact but you know how the business can be."

I chuckle, "yeah, I know. So um, how did you and Dave meet? He seems to think highly of you."

"I met him when I was first starting out; I had already worked for a few bands but no one too well known. This was about 8 years ago; luckily one of the bands I was working with at the time became something of a 'one hit wonder' and we headed north."

"North?"

"Um yeah, _pal Norte_, over the border, gringoland; to the U.S," she laughs at my confused face. Finally, I get what she means and I laugh.

"Wait so, you're from here?" I asked, appalled at the fact that she not only spoke perfect unaccented English, but that she didn't, well, fit the stereotype at all. She was thin but curved and her skin was fair and resembled the color of vanilla, if only a shade darker. Her eyes were what stunned me the most, a mix of green and blue with gold flakes.

"_¿__Tu __que __crees__? _What you think?" she asks, laughing.

"Wow," I say, my eyes scanning her features. She blushes and clears her throat, "oh god, I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to stare."

"Don't worry about it, it happened a lot in the U.S. but anyways," she continues, "they played at Warped in Jersey and Dave was actually there on vacation with his girlfriend at the time. I remember I was unloading some of the gear and didn't notice one of the guitar cases was about to slip from my grasp and he just caught it before it hit the ground," she laughs, "God, I probably shouldn't be telling you this."

I laugh, "Well, I'm sure you've come a long way since then if he recommended you."

"Yeah, I'd like to think I have," she smiles at me. We walk towards the stage to where the gear is all packed in their cases, still untouched.

"Here's all the gear, no one actually touches it until Dave is here; it's sort of an unspoken rule." I stare at the locked cases, my mind wondering back to Dave and how he must be feeling.

"Tegan," she says and when I look up I find her eyes on me, this time they're filled with something gentle, concern, but there's gentleness about the way her eyes gaze at me.

"Yeah?"

"I know you're probably concerned about Dave, I am too. Unfortunately we can't do much right now but what we _can_ do is give this city and your fans the best Tegan and Sara concert they could ever imagine. I'm sure Dave would love that."

I sigh, nod, and smile at her, "thanks Alex, you're right, let's get this ball rolling."

It's only an hour later that I see Sara arrive, sporting a tree-quarter sleeves shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. She sees me and smiles as she walks over to the tent.

"What is it with this weather? I could've sworn I was in Mexico, not in Manhattan," she says, blowing into her cupped hands when a breeze picks up.

"That's what I'm saying," I chuckle.

"Hey Tegan, the strings on your acoustic are a bit-" Alex stops at the entrance of the tent, my acoustic in her hands, "oh, I'm sorry I didn't know you were busy," she says, her eyes travel from me to Sara. "Oh god, Sara Quin, it's a pleasure," she offers her hand to Sara and they shake.

"I'd like to say the same but I have no idea who you are," Sara says, smiling kindly and turning to me.

"Sara this is Alexandria, she's filling in for Dave. He had to leave due to a family emergency but he sent Alex over to cover for him," I say to Sara, whose expression changes from confusion to worry.

"Um, I think I'll head back to the stage, let me know if you need anything," Alex says and exits the tent.

I explain the situation to Sara who just shakes her head and stares at the ground.

"God, poor Dave" she sighs and then shakes her head, "but wait, how do we even know this woman's qualified?"

"Sara, Dave sent her, I think it would be both rude and foolish to ask her to leave. Besides, where else will we find another tech on such short notice?"

"You're right…well, I at least want to go out there and make sure she's doing everything the way she needs to."

I chuckle, "oh god Sara, leave it to you."

"I'm serious!" She gets up and I follow her towards the stage where we can see Alex sitting in front of a table, her equipment case opened in front of her. She's cutting the strings on my acoustic and I hear Sara voice my own confusion, "hey, wait, why are you cutting those?"

"Ouch!" Alex says and sucks on her finger, "bugger, not another one." She reaches for her case, opens a small zipper and removes a Band-Aid.

"I'm so sorry!" I say, rushing over, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," she laughs, "don't worry; happens all the time."

"Christ, I'm sorry," Sara says, reaching us.

"It's alright," Alex smiles and resumes clipping the strings, "as for your question, I'm cutting these because if you look here," she angles the bottom of the guitar to face us and places a magnifying glass over a string, "you can see the strings are beginning to detangle and, considering the stress they'll be under later tonight, there's a possibility at least one of these will pop and _that_ is unacceptable, especially for this show," she smiles.

"Oh…well, now I'm embarrassed," Sara laughs.

"Nah, don't worry about it. Now, here, let me show you something," she walks over to another case and removes Sara's red Gretsch, bringing it over.

"Oh my god, it's gorgeous," Sara says, her eyes glued to her guitar, "good God, what did you clean this with?" She turns the guitar to me and can't help but stare. Sara's guitar looks like its brand new, perhaps even better, the color pops with such intensity it almost hurts to look at, not that one can do much else due to its beauty.

Alex laughs, "can't tell you that or I'd have to kill you. It's my own little formula; I came up with it a few years back. I have my own set of polish, cleaner, oil, and conditioner. I have a couple of different mixes actually."

"Goddamn," I breathe, scared to even touch the guitar, afraid it'll break if I even lay a finger on the polish. "Is that lavender?" I ask sniffing.

"Why, yes it is, but stop right there before I find myself forced to kill you." She laughs and continues, "This mix is scented, but it's only for luxury; doesn't actually affect the guitar."

"Wow, ok, this is, like, too flipping amazing," Sara gushes, she smiles at Alex and shakes her head, "I don't know if this is even real."

"Oh it is," she chuckles, "but here, Tegan, I have something for your acoustic."

I reach over, excited to know there's something for my equipment too. "I feel like a child on Christmas Day," I say and they laugh.

Alex bends down and reaches for a heavy looking duffel bag and sets it on the chair she was sitting on, "I have these strings you might like," she says, handing me a bubble wrap bag, inside I find a cloth which wraps around, lo and behold, the most beautiful strings.

"Oh my…" I hear Sara say from over my shoulder.

"Where have you been all my life?" I say to the strings and laughing.

"These are going on your acoustic Tegan," Alex says, setting the duffle bag on the grass again and sitting back down, facing my acoustic. "The best part is their sound; once you hear their clarity their beauty will look like nothing to you," she laughs.

"Is that even possible?" I say, looking up at Sara in awe.

"Wow, just wow, I think it's best to leave you Alex, it's clear you're doing so well." I raise my eyebrows at Sara when she says this and grin.

"Well, you're both certainly welcome to stop by whenever you like," Alex laughs, reaching out for a small black bottle, "but right now I'm about to clean Tegan's acoustic and I must ask that you grant me some privacy," she jokes.

"Oh right, you'd have to kill us," I say.

"Exactly."

**Sara**

"I still don't know how she even did that," I say perplexed.

"Well, now we know why Dave sent her, huh?" Tegan says, biting into her _cemita_. "Oh gawd, Sasa, thwis is like swex in your mouwth," she says through a mouthful of food.

"Gross Tegan, don't talk with your mouthful," I say and bite into my taco.

She laughs and reaches for her beer. "Oh hey," she says after taking a gulp, "Lindsey's won't be here till an hour before the show; her flight got delayed."

I roll my eyes, "I still don't see why she's coming all the way here if she couldn't make it to any of the other shows after Vancouver."

"Oh come on Sara, she was working and you know that, besides, it'll look suspicious if she doesn't make it to this one." She leans in and whispers, "and it's not like you didn't enjoy her absence."

"I think I enjoyed it too much for my own good," I laugh.

I shouldn't be too bothered, I really shouldn't. It's not like Lindsey doesn't know about Tegan and I but I hate having to be considerate. I never did like sharing even if it was only Tegan's attention. I suppose I should be grateful that we found someone so willing to play this game; pretending to be Tegan's partner. Stacy hadn't had a problem with the set up until she asked for an explanation, not understand why we needed to make the world think that I had a partner. Apart from the fact that she had wrapped her head around the idea that she could make me fall in love with her while we pretended to be together, she also couldn't comprehend my relationship with Tegan. Emy had been so kind but she fell in love eventually and I couldn't bear to keep her away from her lover. I hear my cell vibrate against the table and I reach for it. Stacy. I sigh.

"Sasa? Aren't you going to answer?"

"It's Stacy," I say.

"Oh…well, you should answer."

I look up at Tegan who just shrugs. "She _is _my girlfriend, after all," I say, placing the phone to my ear, "hello?"

"Turn around," she says and I do. "I _am_ your girlfriend, after all." She's standing a few feet away and I can do nothing but just sit there, eyes wide.

Tegan reacts before I do, "Stacy, so glad to see you, this is a lovely surprise!" She walks over to Stacy, hand outstretched.

Stacy stares at Tegan's hand and then at her. "Hi Tegan and I doubt 'lovely' is quite the word you're looking for."

Tegan nods, dropping her hand. She turns to me and says, "I think its best I leave you both alone."

She walks out of the tent before I can say a word. I stare at the grass, my hands clinging to the edge of the table. "That was unnecessary, Stacy."

"What was unnecessary, Sara, was for you to call me, ask me to meet you at a club, only to ditch me for your sister!" I cringe, my nails digging to the table; I still can't look at her. "Sara," she sighs, "I just…I came to tell you that I understand."

My eyes fly to her face when she says that. She understands? She _understands_?

"What?" I finally manage.

"I understand. I wasn't ready when you first told me, I couldn't wrap my head around it, but I do now. I accept it, it's who you are and you can't help it. And…and…I'm alright with that. Just please don't ask me to be on friendly terms with her because I can't."

I just gape at her, processing every word. I get up and slowly walk towards her, my eyes fixed on her face, as if somehow it would give away what she had just said as a lie.

"Are you…serious?" I ask.

She smiles sadly and nods, "yes, Sara, I'm serious."

I shake my head in disbelieve and I feel my face break into a smile. I rush over the rest of the way to her and wrap my arms around her.

"Oh god, Stacy, I just…I can't…you're amazing." I say into her smooth hair.

She pulls back and, slowly, leans in to kiss me. I let her, her lips gently holding my own, her scent surrounding me.

"I missed you," she says after she breaks the kiss.

"I missed you too."

I sit on our high stool in the tent, watching as our make-up assistant gives Tegan some finishing touches. I can hear the screams of the crowd slowly cease and take that as our cue that the opening act has just finished their set.

"Alright, you both look gorgeous. I'll leave you both alone, good luck!" We thank her and she walks out of the tent. I sigh, look into the mirror before us and give Tegan a tired smile.

"You really do looks gorgeous," I say.

"And you look dashing," she grins.

I laugh and then I turn to face her. "Tegan, I need to talk to you."

"I know Sara," she says, looking down at her hands.

"Tee, I just…Stacy says she understands," I say, sounding like a child, "besides, it's not like it'd go unnoticed if Stacy and I 'break up' and it's not like finding people who comply to this is easy."

She nods, "I'm glad you both cleared things up, I really am."

"Thanks…I know she'll probably never be as understanding as Lindsey but at least, you know, we worked things out." I finished lamely, we both know what I meant was 'at least I can have you both'.

"Yeah, it's true, and we can't expect her to take things like Lindsey. Lindsey isn't in love with me, after all." she says, looking up at me.

I sigh, looking at down at the grass, "Tegan…"

"It's true Sara," she says and I refuse to look her in the eye, "it's also true that I don't feel anything for Lindsey, unlike in your situation."

"Tee, I don't-"

"Guys, we're on in 2," says Alex from the tent entrance, she's wearing black slacks and a black dress shirt with her sleeves rolled up, her hair in a neat ponytail.

"Wow Alex, you look almost better than us," Tegan says smiling.

"Almost," laughs Alex.

"Thanks, we'll be right there," I say, giving her a small smile. She leaves and I stand, offering Tegan my hand.

"Let's make Tegan and Sara history," she says, taking my hand and standing.

"Lets," I smile as she wraps her arms around me.

"Always with you," she says, leaning in.

"Never without," I lean in and we kiss.

**Tegan**

We walk unto our positions on stage and the crowd goes insane. The camera flashes begin to go off and the light of their phones create a wonderful view before the stage, like small twinkling stars had fallen and attached themselves to the ground. The smoke machine kicks in and I feel it tickling my ankles as it makes its way across the stage. I check my ear piece and then the nobs on my guitar, then I look up at Sara who nods and I nod back. We glance at the boys, who nod; we nod in return and turn to face the audience. I hear Sara strum the first chords to Arrow and feel myself smile; Alex really had given our equipment quite a boost.

_ "__Would you take a straight and narrow critical look at me?" _

I begin to move in time to the beat, loving the way Sara's voice resonates. The lights begin to change colors and come to life as I approach the mike, throwing my head back slightly as I sing each word, "_If you're thinking_." My hand rests on the neck of my guitar and then I feel my fingers move in the familiar dance, picking every note in the chorus as Sara strums the chords.

We continue playing and finish the song perfectly. The fans scream and clap, the flashes going off left and right. The lights go dark and Alex's by my side before I even have time to register her presence. She hands me my black guitar, taking my white one and dashes to Sara, taking her acoustic and disappearing before anyone can even notice her. I plug in my guitar and look at Sara, who nods again.

"Mexico!" Sara and I yell in unison and I hear the screams reach a whole new level in response.

"For years you have supported us from afar, your love being felt despite the miles that have separated us for over a decade," I say into the mike.

"But now," Sara says in a low sensual voice, playing along.

"We're all yours tonight," I say in the same voice as her and the crowd goes wild, "and we're here to make you dance!"

_"All I want to get is a little bit closer…"_ I begin to sing as my lips graze the mike.

**Sara**

Alex rushes over as I unlock the guitar strap; she takes the guitar from my hand and smiles, "you guys were absolutely amazing."

"And you were quite remarkable as well," I say, feeling light from the amazing performance we had just put on.

"Aw shucks," she waves as if it were nothing, "it was nothing."

"That. Was. Historical." I turn to see Tegan unlocking her strap, a wide grin on her face.

Alex rushes over, taking Tegan's guitar and strap along with mine. She laughs at Tegan and then looks back to me, smiling.

"And _you_," Tegan says pointing at Alex, "just won't cease to amaze me."

Alex shakes her head but I could swear I just saw her blush, or was it a trick of the lights?

"That's what I just told her," I say, walking over to them, "she was quite remarkable."

"Oh come on you guys," she laughs, "tonight is _your_ night."

"We _were_ quite historical," I nod to Tegan who chuckles and nods.

"Very fucking historical, I'd say," I hear Jason say from behind me. The rest of the guys make their way to us and after a few minutes of jokes and high fives they leave to help Alex with packing.

"Well, time to get out of here," Tegan says, we can still hear the crowd outside but it's nothing compared to before. I nod and we walk towards the tent, her arm wrapped around my shoulders.

"Baby!" I hear Lindsey call from the entrance of the tent, "you were fucking amazing!"

Tegan laughs and walks over to her, hugging her tight and kissing her cheek. I see Stacy exit the tent, a smile on her lips. I walk into her arms and she kisses me softly.

"You were pretty amazing too," she says and I chuckle. She leans and kisses me, her tongue pushing past my lips, and it's then that I hear someone cough. I pull back and turn to face Tegan and Lindsey. Tegan won't look at me but Lindsey's eyes would burn a hole on me if they could, it's clear to me she's the one who coughed.

"What?" I hear Stacy say, "Can't I congratulate my _girlfriend _properly?"

Lindsey opens her mouth to say something but Tegan grabs her arm, shakes her head and walks into the tent. I give Lindsey and apologetic look as she follows after Tegan.

"Hey love, I was thinking, how about we-"

"Stacy, listen, you can't just-" I begin to interrupt her only to stop at the sight before me. The press is making their way across the lawn, a huge crowd of people resembling a mob holding cameras, microphones, and tape recorders. "Oh lord," I whisper, "Tegan, come out here, the press is on its way."

"What? The _press_!?" She says, running out of the tent with Lindsey close behind.

"Shouldn't you both be used to this?" Asks Stacy.

"Not to this degree," Lindsey answers, "you'd know that if you came around more often."

"Shut up, both of you," Tegan whispers.

Our makeup artist runs towards us, a comb in one hand and a cloth on the other, she begins to tidy us up as fast as she can. "Nick is on his way; we didn't think there's be so many of them," she says, finally pleased with her work she smiles, "that should do it, you both just finished an amazing performance after all."

"Sara! Tegan!" We turn to see Nick jogging to us, the security guards following him running past us to form a barrier between the mob and our tent. "Christ, I didn't think there'd be this many!"

Once the guards get everyone in as much order as they can we walk over to where they have stationed the press. Alex is there as our translator and the interviews go by smoothly.

_"__Que __novias__ tan __bonitas__, les __podemos __tomar __unas __fotos__ con __ellas__?"_ Asks a woman in a suit, holding up her DSLR.

"'What gorgeous girlfriends, can we take your photo with them?'" Translates Alex, gesturing to Lindsey and Stacy standing by the tent.

"Um, sure," I say, turning to Tegan, who nods, before calling them over.

We stand together, Tegan and me in the middle, with Lindsey and Stacy at our sides, holding their hands. The woman takes the picture and then says something else in Spanish, smiling enthusiastically.

"'With love' she says; she wants you to hold them in a more intimate manner," Alex explains.

"Oh," I say, turning to Tegan, "sure."

I place my arms around Stacy's waist, looking into her eyes, and Tegan does the same, her back to mine. I see the flashes of their cameras and then I hear clapping and 'thank you's as I turn to face them, expressing our gratitude.

"Well, they were pretty direct," I hear Tegan say behind me as we walk back to the tent.

It doesn't take us long to gather up our bags and head to the parking lot, the event staff taking down the tent. We get on the tour bus and I throw my bags on my bed as the bus roars to life. Stacy sits on my bed and smiles up at me.

"We'll be at the hotel in 20," I hear Tegan call from the front, sitting on the couch with Lindsey.

"Want to head out afterwards? We should celebrate," Stacy asks, grinning.

I feel myself chuckle, a rush of adrenaline kicking in. I shouldn't…but I want to so badly. I look over to Tegan who's now introducing Lindsey to Alex. I see the way Tegan smiles at Alex and the way Alex blushes when Tegan makes a joke at her expense.

"That's the new tech, isn't it?" I hear Stacy ask and I nod, "Tegan seems to get along with her real well," she says.

"So where're we going?" I hear myself say.

It's incredibly hot and the smell of booze and pot fills my nostrils as I follow Stacy through the crowd, her hand in mine, leading the way.

"I was here once when I had to interview a band called Maná for MTV," she yells over the music.

"What was it called?"

"Maná!" She yells into my ear, "They're a really famous Mexican rock band, international success and everything." I nod, indicating that I had heard her. "I came to Mexico for a series of interviews for MTV when I first started out; decided to have some fun on my last night."

We get a couple of drinks and after my fifth I lose my sense of control. I'm on the dance floor with Stacy, my hands running down her sides, her body rubbing against mine, and I can feel the heat in me building.

"Let's get out of here," she finally says.

We take a cab and somehow Stacy succeeds in giving the driver the directions to the hotel. I check us in, fumbling to the elevator, laughing at God knows what. The doors to the elevator close and I feel Stacy's lips on mine, her wet kisses making me gasp as her hands slide under my shirt.

"I want to fuck you so bad," she moans in my ear, biting on my earlobe, "come on," she pulls me by the hand as the doors open.

"Thank God we got separate rooms this time," I say and she shushes me with her lips, shoving me against the door of the hotel room while my hands dig into my pockets, looking for the key card.

"I don't want to hear a word about her tonight," she says, taking the key card from my hand and unlocking the door with in one fluid attempt, _I could've sworn she had said she was drunk._

She opens the door and shuts it, undressing me in a hurry. She shoves me to the bed and straddles me as she removes her blouse. "I want you," I hear myself say; "I want you."

The rest of the night is a blur of skin, sweat, moans, and orgasms. By the end of it all I can barely remember my name. I lay on the sheets, her arms around my waist as she lies beside me.

"Sara, look at me, Sara," she says as my eyelids flutter, threatening to close and pull me into sleep.

"Yes?" I mumble.

"I love you," she says, kissing me.

I feel myself smile, "I think I love you too."

I open my eyes in the morning, my head throbbing out of my skull. I look over to Stacy, lying face down, one arm draped across my torso, and I feel my chest expand.

"I think I love you too," I say to her sleeping form before heading out of bed.

I wash my face in the bathroom and brush my teeth. When I head out into the room I hear a small beep and I pick my pants off the floor, taking my cell and finding one new text.

Tegan: Goodnight, love.

"I'm so sorry Tee," I whisper as a single tear rolls down my cheek.

_I'm so sorry…_


	4. The Ashes And The Flame

**Tegan**

I stare at the white ceiling above me, trying to find an image in the popcorn effect of the paint. I stretch for what I can only determine to be the millionth time since waking up. My body's stiff, the carpet failing to resemble anything remotely close to comfort.

"Tegan, I've been watching you for about 20 minutes and already I'm growing bored of your stretch routine."

I prop myself up on my elbows and turn to look behind me, Lindsey's sitting in the middle of the bed, her hair a mess.

"Christ, I didn't even notice you were awake," I say.

"Yeah, well, you were too busy tossing around on the floor. Come here," she says, patting the spot next to her.

I climb up and collapse, smiling when I feel the bed shape itself beneath me, the soft sheets comforting my sore body. "Oh yeah, that's the spot."

Lindsey laughs and throws a pillow at me, "I still don't get why you have to sleep on the floor, it's not like we'll do anything," she chuckles.

"Yeah, well, you know how uneasy Sara gets even though, well, you know, this is all a farce…so I figure it'd make things easier if she knows um," I realize I don't know how to finish that sentence.

"That you don't even touch me?"

I burry my face into the sheets and nod.

"Oh Tegan, for God's sake, you're my best friend," she takes the pillow and I feel her smack the back of my head with it. "We've been at this for years…Sara shouldn't have a problem with your ass on the same bed as me."

I giggle, "Sara never did like sharing my ass, not even with our friends."

"Oh Tee, that's fucking gross!" I laugh as she pretends to hurl on the side of the bed.

"You're my best friend too, you know?" I whisper as I sit up, too shy to say anything remotely sentimental to anyone who wasn't Sara.

She turns and smiles, "I know Tegan, I know." She reaches out and hugs me, "after Sara, of course," she jokes.

"Lindsey…don't ruin the moment."

"I was kidding! Dude, I get it, you're not just in love, I understand that, I understand it's a connection not everyone gets to experience. It just makes me a bit jealous sometimes," she says.

"It makes everyone a bit jealous," I say, remembering my own father expressing those same feelings once.

"Especially Stacy," she murmurs and I sigh.

"Ugh, that bitch!" I say, regretting the words as soon as they're out of my mouth. "No, you know what? No, I won't speak ill of her."

"No Tegan, you're right, she's a fucking jealous and bitter bitch." Lindsey says, raising her voice in anger, "don't fucking feel bad for her."

"It's not that Linds, it's just that she's in love with Sara and I can understand that; I can sympathize with her to a degree."

"Oh God, don't start," she says in disbelieve, "don't sympathize with her Tegan, you don't sympathize with the enemy. Besides, you're a hundred times the woman she could ever hope to be, it's not like you go snogging Sara in front of her when there's no one around."

"Dude, what the fuck was that about!? I mean shit, she told Sasa she 'understands' and then she pulls that shit last night?"

Lindsey sighs and reaches for my hand, "I agree Tee, but it wasn't just all her…" I shake my head, not liking where this is going. "Tee, Sara didn't even pull back."

I shake my head a few times and then nod, "you're right," I sigh, "and I hate it."

I burry my face in my hands as Lindsey's arms wrap around my shoulders. I take a deep breath and rest my head against her shoulder.

"Let's get breakfast," I say and right on cue my stomach growls and we laugh.

"Lets," she agrees.

We get dressed and head down to the hotel's restaurant for coffee where we find Ted and John sitting with Nick, the three discussing their plans for the next few days.

"Morning," I say, calling the waitress over and ordering two cups of coffee for Linds and I. We sit around and eventually Jasper and Jason join us, both complaining about their hangovers. After about an hour I start glancing at my phone, Sara hadn't replied last night when I texted it her and it was now almost 12pm and she hadn't shown. Linds looks at me and frowns, then looks at my phone in my hand and nods.

"Hey guys, has anyone seen Sara?" She asks.

"Uh, not since last night when she left with Stacy," Ted answers, giving me a worried look.

I nod at him and start rising from my seat, Lindsey looks up at me and I shake my head, "I'll be back guys, just going to go check on her," I say as they go back to their previous conversation.

I'm exiting the elevator when I see Stacy outside of Sara's room, her arms on Sara's waist, kissing her. I stop mid stride, observing the exchange.

"I'll see you soon love," she says to Sara, "I'm going to miss you so much."

"It'll only be a few days, I'll meet you in New York soon," Sara says and smiles before kissing her softly in the lips.

"Alright then, I'll see you then, I love you."

I watch Sara's expression, the way her eyes glisten, the way her laugh lines appear at the side of her mouth as her smile widens. Don't…don't say it.

"I think…I love you too," she says and Stacy smiles and kisses her once more.

"You'll know soon; you'll be sure."

She turns and sees me, her expression changes from surprised to smug as she walks by me and I hear Sara gasp.

"Bye Tegan," she says walking past me into the elevator.

I stand frozen, glued to the carpet beneath my feet. I know I should move, I know I should breathe, but it seems like my lungs have forgotten what they were made for. I glace up to see Sara, her hand covering her mouth, her eyes already blurring with unshed tears.

"Tegan, I-" before I know it I'm shoving her into her room, slamming the door shut behind me.

"Tell me you didn't!" I yell, "Tell me you didn't fuck that bitch last night!"

She just stands there and her eyes travel from my expression to the floor, her mouth unmoving.

"Who are you?" I hear myself say, "I can't even recognize you anymore, Sara. Who the fuck are you?" I swallow hard, "_Whose_ the fuck are you?" She looks up at me, bewildered, the tears beginning to flow freely down her porcelain cheeks.

"I don't know anymore."

**Sara**

I deserve this. I know I deserve this. How could I expect anything else? Tegan stands there, the white of her eyes reddening, her nose the lightest shade of pink, her hands balled into fists, jaw clenched and I know she's fighting back tears.

"You don't know?"

"No," I answer truthfully.

"I slept on the floor again, you know?" She begins and I shake my head back and forth, a gasp escapes my lips and I feel the damn behind my eyes break, "I slept on the fucking floor and let Linds have the bed, like I always do because I know how uneasy you get. My lower back is killing me this morning and I'm pretty sure I would've needed a neck brace again if Linds hadn't given me an extra pillow but it's all good, you know? It's all fucking good cause I know it makes you feel better. It does, doesn't it Sara? Tell me it makes you feel better!" She yells and I fall to my knees.

I can't take this; I break down, hugging myself as I bend over, letting myself cry out all the pain and regret that I feel.

"Stop," I beg, "please just stop. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Tegan."

She shakes her head, "are you sorry you slept with her or that I found out?"

I raise my head to face her, the tears already falling on her face.

_Lie to her, just lie to her._

I can't.

"I'm sorry you found out," I say, looking into her eyes and I swear I could see something inside them die. Like a burning flames being deprived of oxygen, extinguishing the second that the last trace of it is burned.

She crouches down, never breaking my stare; she places her fingers to my chin and raises my face to look up at her. "Why?"

I shake my head, "don't do this Tee-"

"Don't call me that," she says, and I feel her hold on my chin tighten, "why?"

"I…I just want to know what it's like to be with someone else," I begin, "to hold hands that aren't a replica of my own, to be with someone who can't always tell what I'm thinking or feeling, for better or for worst."

Her tears are falling freely now, spilling from her chin to the carpet and I half wish I could catch them, bottle them and give them back to her, tell her I'm not a sufficient enough reason to waste them. She looks down at the carpet, her hand finally releasing its hold on me, and she covers her face as she begins to sob; an earthquake shaking her body, destroying all the barriers she had built in its wake.

She takes a deep breath and finally wipes her face, "so I just wasn't enough, Sara? I just couldn't give you what you wanted? After all these fucking years, it just wasn't quite what you were after!?" She raises her voice and I flinch, knowing there's nothing I can say that could ever possibly explain why I was leaving her, not even to me. _Am I leaving her?_

"Tegan," I say reaching out but she pulls back and stands. She reaches down and pulls me on my feet, her fingers digging into my arms.

"Tell me," she demands and I can feel her breath on me, "tell me what I had to do. Before you go just tell me, tell me where I went wrong."

"You did everything, Tegan, you did it all."

"Then what was it, Sara? Am I just the fucking fool who can't understand? What did she do? What did she do that I didn't!?"

I can feel her nails breaking my skin but I don't complain; I deserve worst that just this.

"It was never about quantity, Tegan."

She looks at me like I've just shot her in the chest and it takes a moment for me to realize why.

"So it was quality, then," she says, letting me go slowly, taking a step away from me. I shut my eyes and shake my head furiously as the tears spill over my pained face once more.

"God no, Tegan, I didn't mean-"

"Fuck you, Sara," she spits venom with her voice, "just fuck you."

She walks past me and storms out the room before I can say anything else. I fall to the floor again, my hands clawing at my chest. I feel myself come undone, digging my nails into my collar bone as I sob; my trellis breaking slowly now that the only thing that held it together had walked out the door. I can feel my lungs wither inside me, begging for air but being unable to sustain it in this worn out body. There's a hole somewhere inside my chest, freshly made. I can feel my hallow chest, I can feel something missing, something gone. It's like a caver in there and I have nothing left to fill it with. I lay down on the carpet, my eyelids growing heavy, my breath coming in shorter gasps and I finally give in to the void that surrounds me.

"Sara, lord please wake up, Sara!"

I feel someone shaking me, their hand warm on my shoulder and then I cough.

"Jesus Christ, thank God you're alright!" I sit up and rub my eyes, my face feeling sore, my head throbbing.

"What happened?" I ask, looking up at Stacy, "why are you here?"

"I forgot my phone here so I came back, the door was unlocked so I came in and I just found you here. Sara, what happened?" I glance down and see a bottle of rubbing alcohol in her hands, she follows my gaze and nods; "I couldn't wake you."

I nod, feeling the pain in my head worse and I grimace. She wraps her arms around me and helps me stand, walking me to the bed.

"I spoke with Tegan," I explain.

"Spoke? Sara, did she hit you!? Listen, if she hit you-"

"No, no, Stacy, she didn't hit me!" I say, exasperated. She stop and nods, I sigh and shake my head, "I'm sorry, I just…it's been too much, just too much."

"Sara, are you sure you want to do this?"

I look up at her, "of course I do, Stacy, of course I do."

**Tegan**

I can feel my heartbeat quicken, my lungs screaming for air, but I don't budge. I tell myself I'm floating; suspended in time, I tell myself I can stay here, safe. But then I feel hands on my shoulders pull me up and I gasp as my face breaks the surface. I shake my head furiously, my hands grasping the side of the tub as hands wipe water from my face.

"Jesus Christ, Tegan, what the fuck were you thinking!?"

It's Lindsey.

I feel her reach for the plug, pulling until it opens and the water begins to drain. She throws a towel over my shoulders and helps me out of the tub. I sit on the toilet seat, my eyes closed.

"I just…I didn't want to feel," I finally manage.

"So you take some fucking pills and try to drown yourself in a tub!?"

"No one can commit suicide like that," I say, "doesn't work, it's a fact."

"Well, what a motherfucking relief, but I'm sure you're forgetting the pills in that equation of yours," she kneels in front of me. "My baby girl, you'll be fine."

I shake my head and she wraps her arms around me.

"We're going out tonight."

I didn't have a choice. Lindsey had taken it as her job to be with me after our little tub event. It had only been a few minutes after I had told her what had happened with Sara; I had walked into our room and she was there, waiting for me. I told her everything as I broke down. I cried so much we ran out of tissues so she told me she'd be right back; she'd get me more tissues and some tea. As soon as she walked out I had reached for the emergency cabinet in the bathroom and started the tub. I didn't want to die; I just didn't want to feel. That just caused Lindsey to stay by me even more and now she had decided to drag me to this bar.

The place was crowded and humid as we walked to over to the bartender and ordered our drinks. It's not too long before Linds spot a familiar face.

"Oh look, it's Alex," she says and waves her over.

"Lindsey, I really don't want to be here."

"Tegan, please, just bear with me will you? I won't let you sulk in your room all night."

"Hey guys," I turn and nod at Alex.

"Hey Alex," Lindsey says, "listen, I need to use the little girl's room but I don't want to leave Tegan alone here, can you watch her for me?" I roll my eyes, _is she serious?_

Alex nods and turns to me once Lindsey disappears from view, "caring girlfriend you have there," she laughs.

"She's not my girlfriend," I say before I can stop myself.

"Oh…um…ok then,"

I sigh and wave the bartended over, pointing to my shot glass. I turn to Alex and nod, "yeah, it's a long story," I say, deciding everything was going to hell anyways so why not tell my new friendly tech?

"I have time," she says.

We sit there a while, drinking, as I tell Alex the long story. She nods, never asking a single question. Finally I finish, downing my glass and ordering another one.

"Tegan, you should stop," she says, leaning over to the bartender and saying something in Spanish.

"What? Wait…w-why?"

She sets a bill on the counter and grabs my arm gently, "because you're drunk, come on, I'm taking you back to the hotel."

"B-but…wait…w-where i-ith Linds?" I say, stumbling out the door thanks to Alex's support.

"No idea, but I'll text her and let her know I'm taking you back to your suite."

I stop and push Alex to the side as I turn and hurl onto the sidewalk. I cough, my hands pressing on my stomach. I feel Alex reach out for me and hold me as another wave of sickness kicks in and splashes to the floor.

"God, I'm sorry," I say, feeling my sobriety slowly washing over me again.

"It's alright, don't worry about it, can you walk now?" I nod. "Ok, let's go."

The hotel isn't too far away and we make it there in 20 minutes, the fresh air bringing me back to life. We walk in silence, Alex turning to check on me every so often.

We're standing in front of my door as I unlock it, I try to give her a smile, "thanks for listening Alex, it means a lot." She nods and then her expression darkens. I look over my shoulder and see Stacy walk out of Sara's suit, an empty cup in her hand.

She looks up and sees me, her face changing into a smug smirk, "you look lovely, Tegan."

Before I can even react Alex is on her, her left hand grasping Stacy by the neck of her shirt and then a loud smack wipes the smile off Stacy's face. I stand there, baffled, perhaps more so that Stacy.

"Listen, _puta_," Alex growls through gritted teeth, "you better learn how to hide that fucking smirk of yours before I teach you how." She shoves Stacy against the wall and lets her go, grabbing my hand and opening the door.

"What. The. Fuck. Was. That?" I stutter.

"I'm sorry, I just…_hijo de-!" _She mutters, "listen, I don't want to get in your business, but just seeing her smirk and then the shit she said..ugh…"

I begin to laugh and once I do I completely crack up, she stands there, confused at first and then joining me in my laughter.

"The look on her face…oh my god…Alex!" I laugh, my arm on her shoulder, my hand on my stomach.

She chuckles, "you look lovely when you smile," she says. I stop laughing and look at her, "I'm sorry," she says, blushing and looking away. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was-"

I press my lips to her and silence her, my tongue sliding into her warm mouth. I can taste the tequila on her breath as I kiss her, my arms wrapping themselves around her waist, pulling her close.

"Tegan, wait," she says pulling back, "are you sure?" I nod, "I don't want to be a consolation prize," she says.

I look into her eyes and smile, remembering how she threw herself at Stacy, how she listened to me the bar, how she made sure I was back safe, "you're not a consolation prize," I say.

I kiss her, guiding us to the bed, falling on top of her. We shed out clothes and soon we're drenched in sweat, my fingers inside her, my mouth kissing her neck. I feel her cum and I slide down between her legs, hearing her gasp as I suck on her clit. When she's done she climbs on top of me, her fingertips trailing softly on my skin. I close my eyes when I feel her fingers enter me, her wet mouth on my breasts.

_Help me forget,_ I beg her silently, _help me forget._


	5. Leave Just As You Came

**Before anything, I'd like to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to read this, it means the world to me. I love reading your comments, even if I've only received a handful. Please, continue writing to me, leave your comments, questions, or concerns; I love hearing from you! Also, j****ust letting everyone know that I MIGHT take a break tomorrow and/or Saturday but be sure to check back in case I decided to become a martyr xD. I've been writing none-stop for the past week and school work is pilling up. By the way, I hope you guys looked into chapter 4's tittle, its a wonderful poem by Edwin Arlington Robinson that strongly relates to the story. Happy reading!**

**Tegan**

I open my eyes and squint, the light streaming in from the windows blinding me. I rub my eyes and prop myself up on my elbows, lying next to me is Alex, her naked body half exposed by the sheets. I marble at her skin, the way her arms are just a shade darker than the rest of her body. I smile, my hand reaching out, my fingers smoothly outlining a tattoo on her shoulder blade that I had never seen before. She stirs and I pull my hand away, trying my best not to wake her. I carefully slide out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I look into the mirror, my hands gripping the sink.

_"I just want to know what it's like to be with someone else, to hold hands that aren't a replica of my own, to be with someone who can't always tell what I'm thinking or feeling, for better or for worst…"_

I sigh and shut my eyes tightly, my knuckle white from my grip on the sink.

_For better or for worst…for better or for worst…_

"For better or for worst," I whisper.

I open my eyes; they're bloodshot from the tears I won't allow myself to shed, not anymore. I wash my face and brush my teeth. I look into the mirror and try to tidy my hair, then walk out to the room and slip into under the sheets again.

"Good morning," Alex says, turning to look at me, a smile on her face.

"Hey, I didn't mean to wake you," I say.

"Don't worry, you didn't, the light did," she points to the curtains.

"Yeah, same here."

She sits up and leans against the frame and I do the same, turning to her.

"How are you feeling?" She asks and I shrug.

"I'm having a good morning so far," she smiles and shakes her head, she reaches out and places her palm to my chest.

"How are you feeling?" She asks again and then I understand her question.

"Exhausted, worn out, frail," I say and she nods.

"That's a better answer," she says and I frown.

"Just better?"

"You're not being fully honest," she says and I sigh.

"Alex-"

"I don't mean to me, Tegan," she says, placing her hand to my cheek, "I mean to yourself."

I nod, "wounded and confused."

She nods again and holds me to her chest. I burry my face in her neck, breathing in her scent, seeking her warmth; it's the closes thing to safe I've known since the tub incident. At least this isn't self-destructive. There's a knock at the door and she releases me.

"Lindsey?" I call out, getting up from the bed and reaching to the floor for my shirt and a pair of shorts I find on a chair.

"It's me," I hear Sara's soft voice say through the door.

I catch my breath and turn to Alex, who pulls the sheets up to her chest and nods. I take a deep breath, my heart racing, and open the door. Sara's standing a few feet away from the door, as if she were afraid I'd attack her, she walks over, rubbing her hands together nervously. I open the door just enough to let her see Alex lying on the bed. She stops, eyes wide and takes a step back.

"I didn't know…you were busy," she stutters.

"Yeah, well…now you know," I say.

"Tegan, we need to talk," she says. I open the door farther, indicating her to enter but she shakes her head, "alone."

"If you give me a minute I'll be out soon," Alex says but I shake my head.

"Whatever you need to tell me you can say it with Alex here."

"Tegan," Sara sighs, "please don't start."

"I'm not starting anything Sara, you took care of that, remember?"

She looks away and I see her hands ball into fists, "and you just had to fuck the first girl who was willing, huh?"

I slam my fist into the door frame only inches from her face and she flinches. I lean in, telling myself to keep my cool, that I wouldn't forgive myself if I ever laid a finger on her.

"Don't you fucking play that card, Sara."

She looks at me, her eyes full of something I can't quite place, something I had never seen in them. It's so foreign, so different to everything else I had ever witness and then I realized it was completely the opposite; it was hate.

"You're right, Tegan. You have every fucking right to do whatever you want."

I don't look away, I won't look away.

"I do," I reply.

"You were quick to act, weren't you?"

My fingers dig into my palm, my fist pressing harder into the wood of the frame.

"Tell me she isn't in your bed, Sara; tell me she didn't spend the night."

She sighs, "we'll talk about the band in a few days; I'll meet you in Vancouver to discuss the set list of the European leg of the tour and the upcoming interviews." She takes a few steps back in the direction of her suite.

"Do whatever you want," I say and shut the door on her.

I burry my face in my hands and rest my forehead on the cool wood of the door, before I know it I feel Alex's hands wrap themselves around my waist, her lips on the back of my neck.

"Tegan, you need to speak with her," she says.

"I know…I know but I just can't right now, I need time, I need to be away from her. I can't even look at her now without feeling sick to my stomach."

"That's because you love her."

"She doesn't love me."

She turns me around to face her, her hand on my face, caressing my cheek.

"You don't know that," she says.

"I do," I say, "and even if she did, she doesn't love me enough to stay."

"Would you forgive her?" She asks, looking into my eyes, "if she said she regretted it, would you forgive her?"

"I don't think that matters, Alex; I wouldn't stand touching her again."

**Sara**

_"I wouldn't stand touching her again."_

I take a step back from the door, my hand covering my mouth to prevent myself from gasping out loud. I walk down the corridor towards the elevator getting on as soon as the door opens, and press on the DOOR CLOSE button. I fall to the ground, shove my fist into my mouth and bite as the tears begin to flow. I don't understand why it hurts, why it hurts so badly. I don't regret it, I don't regret a thing. Stacy, she's what I want, _who _I want. Then why does this hurt so much?

I rock back and forth, pressing the DOOR CLOSE button over and over, willing my breathing to slow down. I think of Stacy, think of the way just seeing her makes my chest expand, my knees get weak, and my palms begin to sweat. I want that, I want her. Tegan, she filled a void inside me, made me feel secure. I didn't want security anymore, I wanted risks; I wanted change. It made sense for it to hurt, but it was like ripping off a Band-Aid. It hurts but eventually it becomes numb and the wound finally heals. I get up, wiping the tears from my eyes, exiting the elevator and walking back to my suite.

"Sara, are you alright?" Stacy asks when she sees me enter and I nod. "How did it go?"

"Talking to her right now is impossible; I think its best I wait until I see her in Vancouver."

"When are you going to Vancouver?"

"On the 21st," I sigh, "we better start packing; our plane is scheduled for 5pm."

We pack in silence, folding the few clothes we had brought to the hotel. We shower together and she holds me as the water falls on my worn out body, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. She dries me as I set on the toilet seat, softly patting the drops of water from my body, then she takes the comb and runs it through my hair as I sit there, watching her. Soon we're in bed, her lips on my neck, trailing kissing down to my collar bone, her hands caressing my body. I closed my eyes, losing myself in her touch.

She enters me slowly, massaging my clit in circles and soon I feel her wet mouth on my breasts, her teeth nibbling gently on my nipples. I shudder, holding her closer, feeling her fingers pump in and out of me faster. I can feel the tension building inside me, my breaths becoming shorter and shorter.

"Tell me you want me, Sara," Stacy says and I see hunger in her eyes. I pull her to me and kiss her, biting her bottom lip as she picks up her speed.

"I…I want…" I begin to gasp, feeling myself reaching my orgasm, "I want…I want you…oh fuck…Stacy…oh, oh, ohhh," I moan as my body shudders and I fall back to bed. When I open my eyes I see her licking her fingers, her eyes closed and I smile.

"Good girl," she says and kisses me.

It's almost 3pm by the time we make it to the lobby with bags in hand. We meet up with the boys who greet Stacy briefly, Ted offering nothing more than a nod in her direction. I wonder if he had spoken with Lindsey because I know Tegan wouldn't have been in the state to repeat our breakup. Then again, she seemed to have felt comfortable telling Alex everything, why not Ted?

"Hello boys!" I turn and see Lindsey heading in our direction, her bags in hand, followed by none other than Tegan and Alex. I notice Alex is holding Tegan's hand and helping her with one of her bags. I sigh and turn as the boys greet her and resist the urge to roll my eyes when they pat Alex in the back and she blushes, brushing them off and laughing.

"They seem to be well informed," says Stacy to me in a low voice.

I shrug, "leave it to Linds."

We climb unto the bus, Stacy and I sitting on the last bottom bunk while the others settle into the couches and begin to discuss their vacation plans. We're only off for 5 days but they always try to make the best of our small breaks. Soon we're at the airport, going through immigration and getting our passports stamped.

"Here are your tickets, ladies," says Nick to me, handing me two tickets, one for New York and one for Chicago. I hand Stacy her ticket as Nick continues to hand out the rest.

"I'll see you in two days," she says, kissing me and I nod. "Are you sure you'll be alright?" She asks, concern on her face.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I say smiling.

"I really wish I didn't have this damn conference," she says and I shake my head, reassuring her it's alright.

I turn to see Tegan hugging Lindsey, whispering in her ear and I see Lindsey nod. They smile and I see Alex reach out and hug Lindsey as well, Lindsey smiles at her and kisses her on the cheek. It hits me then, the luggage in Alex's hand, the one I had dismissed as Tegan's. _She can't really be doing this…_

"Sara, your plane's boarding," I hear Ted call out.

"Oh right, thanks Ted," I walk over to him and open my arms, he walks over and hugs me, holding me there for a few second.

"I hope you thought things through, Sara," I hear him whisper in my ear.

"I did," I tell him as I pull away and he nods.

He walks over to Tegan and hugs her, he says something to her and she nods. Lindsey walks over to me and I clear my throat. Stacy walks over to me protectively and Lindsey laughs, _actually laughs, _when she sees this.

"Oh please Stacy, don't, just don't," Lindsey says, walking over to me with her arms outstretched, "Sara, come here." She wraps her arms around me tight and holds me for what seems like a rather long time. "I wish you well, I really do," she breathes into my ear.

I nod as I pull back, not saying a word even though I know she means it.

Alex looks over at me, her face uncertain, and raises her hand as if to say goodbye. Tegan notices and turns to me, holds my stare for the briefest of seconds and turns away, heading to her gate with Alex by her side.

**Tegan**

I sit on the grass, my guitar in my arms, my eyes focused on the squirrel digging in the corner of the lawn.

"At least it's not digging in your garden," Alex whispers, sitting slowly beside me so as to not scare the squirrel away.

"Oh god, I would've chased it away if it dared to do that," I watch as it looks up, head jerking from side to side, then stop, faced angled, holding a nut its little paws. Its stomach is pushing in and out as if it had been running a marathon and just as quickly it runs towards the gate, climbing onto the neighbor's tree.

I feel Alex wrap her arms around my shoulders and I lean into her. "Tegan," she says softly, "Sara's on the phone."

I sigh and nod. I get off the grass and walk into the living room, placing my guitar on its stand. I stare at the phone, wonder what it'd be like to just press the "Off" button. _Be mature about this_...

"Hello?" I say.

"Hi..." there's a pause where all I can hear is her deep breaths coming through the phone, "Tegan, are you there?" I nod before I remember she can't see me.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I'm at the airport, is this a good time? I just think…maybe we should get this over with?"

"Yeah, it's as good a time as any," I say and hang up.

"Everything alright?" Alex asks, walking into the living room.

"She's on her way from the airport," I tell her and she nods, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands and blowing into them. I smile, "you're adorable."

She shakes her head and smiles, "come on, dinner's almost ready, help me set the table before she gets here," she offers her hand and I take it, letting her lead me to the kitchen.

It's been 5 days since we arrived in Vancouver but it feels like a life time. Alex has been so wonderful and patient, never saying a word when she wakes up to my sobs, just wrapping her arms around me and holding me until I fall asleep again. I know this isn't fair to her, leading her on even though I can barely hold myself together but I don't think I could keep myself sane without her. I had asked her to come to Vancouver with me while I was packing my bags at the hotel and she didn't even blink when she said yes. It's like she was willing to be my crutch, to stay for as long as needed her to.

It's not long before we hear the doorbell and I turn to Alex, who nods and gets up from the sofa, heading to the door.

"Hi Sara, let me help you," I hear her say but I can't get myself to look up in the direction of the door. "Tegan, Sara's here," she says to me and part of me feels ridiculous for not being able to look up. I nod, staring at my hands.

"Hi," I hear Sara say.

"Hey," I force myself to raise my eyes, "how was your flight?"

"Same old, same old."

"Here Sara, sit down," Alex says, placing Sara's luggage by the sofa, "I'll go set the table."

I watch Alex exit the room and I half wish I could run after her, ask her to stay, but I know this is something she can't protect me from. I look back at Sara, who's staring at the carpet, elbows resting on her knees. She's wearing that damn brown jacket of hers, a black blouse and her hotel pants.

"Nice outfit," I say, rolling my eyes when she looks up.

"Huh? Oh," she looks down at herself and nods, "yeah, well, airplane ride; gotta be comfortable." I nod.

"So, the set list?" I ask.

"Yeah, I have this," she says, digging into her pocket before handing me a piece of paper. I reach out, careful not to brush my hands against hers, "I wrote it on the flight, feel free to edit it," she says.

I read through it, nodding every now and then.

"There are a few discrepancies here though; some of the keys on these songs are different, it'd require retuning at least 5 times in a show to pull these off," I say just as Alex walks into the room.

"That shouldn't be too much of a problem," Alex says, "I can have an extra guitar ready and tuned, or just retune one guitar while you play one song and then exchange them."

"Five to seven times?" Asks Sara, looking up at Alex.

"Yeah, shouldn't be a problem," Alex says, not breaking Sara's stare, "dinner's ready," she says, placing her hand on my shoulder.

We eat in silence, Alex offering seconds before bringing out a bottle of wine and pouring us each a glass. We drink our wine without making a toast and soon move back to the living room, silence keeping us company. Finally, Alex stands and I look up at her, she smiles and mouths "good luck" before heading to the bedroom.

"I guess she got tired of the silence," Sara says.

"Oh god…listen, are we going to talk or not?"

She hides her face in her hands and sighs, "yeah…yeah, lets."

"Alright, start."

"Me? Uh…well, we have an interview with _Kerrang!_ coming up, which to be honest, I don't understand since it's a rock magazine," she says.

"Lostprophets isn't exactly a heavy rock band and they were on the cover not too long ago."

"Well yeah but, you know, compared to us?"

"Northshore is heavier than some of their songs," I offer.

"True but like, Closer? It's certainly not a rock song," she says, laughing.

"I guess," I say, looking at the floor, "that's not what I meant by 'talking' though."

"Tegan…what else is there to talk about?"

"Is this band going to stay together?" I blurt out the one great doubt I've had running through my head.

She looks at me, shock plastered on her face.

"I…yes, why would you ask me that?"

"Because I'm not sure if we can pull this off," I confess.

She looks at me for what feels like years, then she gets up, walks over and sits next to me. I squirm in my seat, trying to push myself as far from her as I can. She smiles and slides over to me, her hand reaching out.

"Don't," I whisper, pulling away.

"Shhh…" she says, her hand reaching slowly. I flinch when she touches me, the softness of her skin feeling foreign to me already. She cups my face in her hand and turns me to face her. "You're my sister Tee, you're my twin…how on Earth could I _ever_ leave you?" She murmurs.

I look into her eyes, my heart skipping a beat at the sound of her words. She's sitting so close I can smell the hint of cologne from her blouse. I lean in slowly, careful not to break the spell. She doesn't lean in but she doesn't pull away either. Our lips are so close, I can feel her breath on me, "then don't leave me, Sasa," I whisper. My lips brush against her and before I know it she's on her feet; her back to me, her face in her hands.

"No Tegan, that's not what I meant," she says in a low voice.

I feel my heart sink, the knot in my throat tighten.

"I have a feeling you don't even _know _what you mean," I retort.

"Yes, I do, I mean we can do this, we can make this band work," she says exasperated, turning to face me, "we've worked so hard for this, we build this together, _you and I, _for over a decade."

"But that's the thing Sara, there is no 'you and I' anymore."

"We're still sisters Tegan; we owe this to each other."

I get up and walk to the door, opening it and gesturing for her to leave.

"We can try to keep this band together Sara but I doubt we can keep our sisterhood intact."

She stands in the middle of the living room, on the same spot in which I kissed her just a month ago. It felt like lifetimes had washed over us in such a short time.

"Are you happy?" I ask before I can stop myself, "are you truly happy with her?"

She nods, "yes Tegan, I am."

"Good," I say, nodding, not knowing what to say anymore.

"Are you happy with _her_?" she gestures in the direction of the bedroom.

"_Alex _is wonderful, and yes, she makes me happy."

She reaches for her luggage, picking it up and walking towards the door, which I hold open as she passes. She stops at the threshold and looks at me, "then I can't see the problem," she says.

"I suppose there isn't any."

She nods, "I'll see you the airport on Tuesday."

I nod and close the door, locking it when I hear her steps walking away.

**Sara**

I walk down the block, phone in hand, and dial the cab service I rely on when I'm in Vancouver. My luggage is light, only enough clothes for the next three days and a book to keep me company. I look up as the cab stops in front of me and I walk to open the trunk but not before the driver runs out, opens it for me and loads my luggage into it.

"Oh wow, thanks, you shouldn't have," I say, a smile on my face as I turn. I stare, stunned. It's the same driver from before. "Now I'm getting worried you're stalking me."

He laughs, "I swear I'm not, call it luck if you will. Maybe destiny or fate, if you believe in that too." I walk and open the door as he climbs into the driver's seat, "no, no, come in the front," he says to me and surprisingly I don't hesitate.

"Are you like the only driver for this car service?" I joke, pulling my seatbelt on.

"Nah, I'd be making more money if that were the case," he says, backing up and driving down the street, "I'm just usually in this area when it's not a busy day; it's nice and quiet; pretty calm and if I have to spend hours on the job I'd rather do so in peace."

I nod, "I hear you." I look out the window when we reach a stoplight and that's when I realize I haven't given him any directions. "Oh, I almost forgot," I say, taking out a small business card from my jacket pocket, "this is where I'm headed."

He looks at the card and nods, "nice place."

We drive in silence for a few minutes and then he clears his throat.

"So Sara, have you been keeping faithful?"

I turn to face him and shake my head, "no, I haven't"

He nods, "how is she?"

"Sleeping with someone else so fine, I guess."

"And yourself?"

"Marvelous," I say with a grin.

"Truly?"

My face falls, "I love the woman I'm with," I say, as if I needed to justify my actions.

"She's a bittersweet thing isn't she?"

I turn at this my face on fire, "pardon?" It's not a question, if anything, it could even be a curse.

"She's very different to Tegan, I mean," he says, glancing at me, his gentle eyes soothing my anger. "Forgive me, you misunderstood me. I'm referring to her personality."

"You don't know her," I say like a child.

"True, I do not, which is why I'm asking you."

"She's different," I begin, "she's a grown, mature woman. She's realistic, down to earth; Tegan, she was always in the clouds, always in her own world."

"Ah," he nods, "'I craved strong sweets, but those/ Seemed strong when I was young;/ The petal of the rose/ It was that stung./ Now no joy but lacks salt,/ That is not dashed with pain/ And weariness and fault;/ I crave the stain/ Of tears, the aftermark/ Of almost too much love,/ The sweet of bitter bark/ And burning clove.'"

I stare at him in awe, "that was beautiful."

He laughs, "yes, it truly is. Robert Frost's _To Earthward_; a few stanzas of it at least. You brought him to mind," he says, pulling up in front of the hotel.

"What is it about?"

"Well," he sighs, "it's about becoming so overwhelmed and intoxicated by the love we hold that we find ourselves longing for something completely different to that which we have known." He turns to me and smiles tiredly and it is then that I see the wrinkle on his eyes, the small dents on the bridge of his nose indicating his lifelong use of glasses. "It's about you, Sara."

I shake my head, "I'm not so sure," I say, reaching into my wallet for a bill.

"No, don't worry about it, this ride's on me," he says, shaking his head.

"Thanks," I say, opening the door. He follows, opening the trunk and unloading my luggage.

"Take care of yourself, Sara," he says to me, heading back into his car.

"You too," I call out as he drives away.

I check into the hotel where I'm told Stacy has already checked in. I make my way to the elevator and once inside I stare at my reflection. My face is distorted by the blurred metal doors and I turn my face from side to side, my reflection mimicking me but failing to show anything other than a blurred image. I sigh as the doors open, walking to me suite and sliding the key card. The lights are off and as my eyes adjust to the poor lighting I recognize Stacy's form on the bed, the sheets wrapped around her legs. I undress, leaving my boy shorts on and a wife beater, and climb into bed. Stacy stirs and soon molds herself into me, her breathing heavy, still fast asleep.

I lay in bed for what feels like hours, the same lines running through my head: "I crave the stain of tears, the aftermark of almost too much love…"

"Too much love…" I whisper as I feel myself give into sleep.


	6. Feet Don't Fail Me Now

_She shoves me unto the bed, her hands pinning my hands over my head. I can feel her moist tongue and her hot breath on the side of my cheek as she nibbles on my earlobe. I keep my lips pressed together, try to even my breaths; I won't give her the satisfaction of hearing me moan just yet. _

_ "Teetee, don't fight it," she breathes into my ear._

_ She straddles me and I hear her moan as she mounts me, the strap-on sliding smoothly inside her. I bite my lip as she begins to buck her hips, riding me as I watcher breast swing in time with her movements, feeling my core burning with heat. I pull my right hand from her grasp and grab a fistful of her hair, pulling her face to me. _

_ "Tame me, Sara," I growl, raising my hips and thrusting the strap-on further into her wet center. She moans and closes her eyes, beads of sweat running down the side of her face._

_ "Oh…fuck…T-Tegan...d-don't fucking s-stop!" _

**Tegan**

I hear the phone ring and I stir, burying my face into the sheets and moaning in frustration. "..._don't' fight it,"_ I'm not. I feel Alex get out of bed, yawn and pick up the receiver on the bedside table.

"Hello?" I hear Alex say, "oh, hi Dave!" I sit up, rubbing the sleep off my eyes, "how is everything? Is your-oh..oh my God, Dave, I'm so sorry…" I turn and soon I'm sitting next to her, looking into her shocked face, "I understand, yeah, wait, Tegan is right here I can just- no, Dave wait, wait, she wants to talk to you," she hands me the phone.

"Dave? Dave, is everything alright?" I ask.

"Hi Tegan, listen," he sighs, "I won't be able to make it to the European leg of the tour, I don't even know if I can make it to the Garden show…my mother died, Tegan." I bury my face in my hand and I feel Alex's arms around me.

"Listen Dave, you take as much time as you need, alright? Don't worry about anything," I tell him.

"Thanks Tegan, it means a lot."

"When is…the funeral?"

"Tomorrow, but don't worry, it's all imitate family; the way my mother wanted it," he says, "I'm just glad I left you in good hands."

I look up at Alex and smile slightly, "don't worry about anything Dave, we'll be fine."

**Sara**

I wake in cold sweat, my hands gripping the sheets, my heart beating out of my chest. My cell is ringing but I can't seem to move, _"Tame me, Sara." _Her voice echoes in my skull, making me shudder with every repetition.

"Sara, baby, are you alright? Your cell is ringing," I hear Stacy and will myself to nod, reaching for the bedside table and placing the phone to my ear.

I clear my throat, "hello?"

I couldn't believe it, I felt so bad for Dave when I heard the news. We had known them for years, his mother always being so lovely to us; I couldn't believe she was gone. There was a small part of me that worried, though I would never admit it out loud, that this meant Alex would be with the band longer than I had anticipated. I shouldn't care, I know, but a girl was allowed to be possessive, was she not?

Just as Stacy and I arrive at the airport I spot Tegan and Alex, their luggage in hand, making their way inside. We follow suit, keeping our distance. We manage to go unnoticed until it's time to board, Alex turning and spotting us a few yards away. She turns and says something to Tegan, who nods but doesn't look our way.

"I'll see you in Glasgow in a few days, alright baby?" Stacy says to me and I smile, nodding.

"Are you sure you can handle the move all by yourself? Maybe you should rent a moving van," she shakes her head and kisses me. "Alright then, I'll see you soon." She walks towards her gate, destined for New York.

I board unto the plane, sighing in relief when I realize I'm not sitting anyways near Alex and Tegan. I lose myself in my book and the plane ride speeds by. When we arrive I get my luggage and walk towards the exit, keeping my head down avoiding running into them.

"Sara!" I hear Ted's voice and I look up. He's walking over holding a sign reading "THING ONE AND THING TWO". I laugh and hug him, glad to see a friendly face. "I just had to," he says laughing. He turns and waves behind him where I notice Tegan and Alex are standing.

We take a cab, I call shotgun while the rest seat in the back seat, talking about their vacation. Once we make it to the hotel Ted checks us in, gives us our room keys and asks us to meet him at the lobby in an hour. It isn't log before I make it back downstairs, having done nothing else but read the whole hour before. I see Nick and the rest of the band walk over and soon everyone is gathered there.

"Alright, we're heading to the venue for a bit, just to get a look of what we're working with," Nick says as he leads us to the bus.

The place is pretty much ready to go, the equipment in place, all gear in place. The staff shows Tegan and I to where our dressing room will be and we stand there awkwardly for a few seconds alone.

"It's best we start rehearsal today," she says and I nod, "I can barely remember Northshore anymore," she shakes her head in disbelieve.

"How about the new songs?" I ask.

"I remember I Was A Fool," she says and I look at the floor, "as for Closer, that one's a given."

"You did mess up once."

"It was the first few shows, I was nervous."

The staff member returns and leads us back to the small conference room where the rest of the guys and Alex are.

"So, I heard the set list is quite a challenge," Nick comments and I nod. "Alex, you think we'll manage?"

"Certainly," she responds and I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

"We should start rehearsal soon," Tegan says and the guys nod in approval.

"I got us a studio, you guys can head there now if you want, it's reserved already."

So we do, in less than 30 minutes all we're there, tuning our gear. We start with Closer, not wanting to mess up the new single, and with the guys there I can barely feel the tension.

Three days later I'm at the airport early in the morning, waiting for Stacy. I finally see her and she walks into my arms, a smile on her face.

"You won't believe who was on the flight with me," she whispers in my ear and I turn just in time to see Lindsey walking up to us.

"Sasa!" She says and gives me a hug.

"Linds, what are you- oh right, Tegan," I say, "I didn't know you had arrange to fly over for the European tour."

"I'll only be here for a few days," she says and I frown, confused, "Tegan has…important news to announce and we felt it would give a better impression if I was present."

"Oh," is all I manage to say. I suppose I should've seen this coming, but I didn't know it'd happen so soon.

A few hours later I'm in the dressing rooms, my hands on the counter, leaning into the mirror. If it weren't for the make-up I'd look like I hadn't slept in days. Tegan walks in, shaker in hand, playing with it nervously.

"Linds told me you're making and announcement," I say.

She looks up at me, surprised, as if she had completely forgotten I was there.

She nods, "yeah, I am."

"I wasn't aware."

"I didn't know I had to report myself to you," she says and I sigh. We stand there in silence until we're told it's time to head to the stage.

The lights are dark, the screaming of the fans deafening, the smoke machine on full blast. I see Alex heading towards us, a guitar in each hand; she hands them to us and turns to Tegan with a smile.

"You look great!"

"As yourself," Tegan leans in to kiss Alex and I turn away, walking towards the stage.

We're about 5 songs into the set, bantering as we always do, never missing a beat. I could almost swear it was like before if it weren't for the empty look on Tegan's eyes. Or am I the only one who sees that?

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, I have an announcement to make," I hear Tegan say as I take a sip of water in between songs. "As many of you may know, for the last couple of years I've been dating a lovely woman by the name of Lindsey Byrnes," she continues, pausing to let the screams die down at the sound of Lindsey's name, "however, I must now inform you that said lovely relationship came to an end a few weeks ago."

I turn to face Tegan, who is looking out to the audience, nodding as I hear fans gasp and scream out questions. "Why?"s and "what happened?"s being yelled left and right.

"Lindsey and I, we've always been really close, even before we dated," Tegan continues, "and to be honest I felt you all needed to find out from me since this has been quite a public relationship. I can't say that, if I were to date again, I would make it quite as public as it was this time around but I certainly felt that you all needed to hear this from me rather than the media." Tegan smiles and looks down towards the first few rows of the audience, "now, please give a huge round of applause to this amazing woman!" Lindsey walks through the barricade, the security guards ensuring no fans try to run up behind her, a wide smile on her face. Tegan removes her guitar and walks over to Lindsey and they embrace, loud screams and cheers erupting from the crowd. They walk over to the mike, laughing and holding each other.

"This woman will always be one of my best friends," Tegan says into the microphone, "that will never change; we've spent too many years cultivating a bond. This break up was mutual and I will forever treasure her as a friend."

Lindsey waves at the crowd, walking towards the side of the stage and out of view. Tegan turns to look at me and I nod in approval, making the fans think I was aware of this all along.

"This next song goes out to her, 'cause she told me she loves to dance to it," Tegan laughs and begins strumming the chords to Northshore.

We finish the set but the high of a good show leaves me when I see Alex walk into Tegan's arms. I head towards the dressing room and find Stacy waiting for me there, a rose in her hands. I smile and kiss her, holding her against me.

"Hey there, lovely," I say.

**Tegan**

_*one month and half later*_

I place my arms around her waist and hold her, my lips on her neck. I feel her take in a deep breath, her body molding into mine.

"Hey there," she says and I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Want to be bad?" I whisper in her ear.

I feel her shudder, "always."

I guide her to bed, unzipping her jeans while she unbuttons my shirt, our clothes falling to the floor without a care. I climb in top of her, trailing kisses down her stomach, feeling her move beneath me, moans slightly escaping her lips. My mouth finds its way to her wet pussy, my tongue pushing itself inside her. I feel her hips thrusting and I pull her closer before shoving my fingers insider her. I breathe in her sweet scent as she cums in my mouth; pleased, I lay beside her.

She reaches out, her fingertips trailing down my neck incredibly slowly, her eyes mesmerized, taking in every inch of me. I close my eyes when she reaches my breasts, feeling the way her fingers slide between my breasts, leaving fire in their wake as she trails past my hips. I open my eyes when I feel her inside me and she holds my gaze. My breath catches in my throat, my skin breaking into a sweat. I moan when she curves her fingers inside me and gasp for breath.

"Alex," I hear myself say before she kisses me.

Hours later I hear the alarm go and I slide my arm out from under the sheets, pressing the snooze button.

"Morning, sleepyhead," she whispers in my ear and I feel her wrap her arms around my waist. I rustle the sheets out of the way but stay beneath then and kiss her cheek before burying my face in the pillow again. "Time to get up," she says and I grumble, shaking my head, loving the way it makes her laugh. "Oh come on!" She tickles me and I squirm, laughing.

"I don't wanna," I whine.

"Oh come on, there's probably already a bunch of fan's lined up to see you!"

"Ugh, you're horrible, why would you say that to me? Now I can't just lie in bed lazily without feeling guilty," I say, leaning in to kiss her, pushing the sheets off the bed.

"Then my mission has been accomplished."

"I shouldn't feel bad though, you know, I was in their shoes before."

She laughs, "that's exactly what makes you feel guilty though."

I poke her ribs as the alarm goes off again. It only takes us an hour to shower, get ready, and meet up with the rest at the lobby before heading to the venue. We set up, rehears and then Sara and I do a few interviews. Soon, the hours have flown by and Sara and I are alone in our dressing room.

"Jersey tonight, the Garden tomorrow," Sara says, turning this way and that, looking at her reflection in the mirror.

"Mhm," I say, "and soon the release event."

"Yeah," she says turning to me, "is she going to come?"

I look up, "who?"

"Alex,"

"Of course," I say.

She sighs, "I thought you said you wouldn't make it public."

"I'm not; do you see me posting pictures of us? Bringing her to the release shouldn't be a big deal."

"Just because she fucks you rough doesn't mean she deserves to be there."

I turn, glaring at her, "what the fuck had gotten into you?"

**Sara**

_I honestly don't know._

The words were out of my mouth before I could catch myself.

"Nothing, forget it," I say.

"No, spit it the fuck out Sara!"

"You just move on pretty fucking fast Tegan!"

She sits there, arms gripping the arm holders of her chair and I wonder if she's about to launch herself at me.

"I move on fast? _I _move on fast? This is coming from the woman who fucked some slut while in a relationship and in a matter of weeks lets the same slut into her New York City condo!" She yells at me.

"That's none of your business, Tegan."

"Well it's none of your business whether I fuck her hard, slow, or sideways!"

"You're fucking disgusting."

"And you're fucking pathetic."

I don't know how it happens, it shouldn't have, but the next thing I know my fist makes impact with her face. She stands there, her fingers on the corner of her lip where I can see blood beginning to drip.

"Tegan, I-" before I know it she's shoved me against the wall, her hands gripping the cuff of my shirt. She pulls me back and slams me repeatedly and I feel the back of my head bounce from the wall.

"Don't fucking touch me again Sara," she says and I can smell the blood from her face, her teeth stained red. "Are you listening to me? Don't fucking touch me again!"

I lean in, pulling her to me, my lips on hers. I want to, need to, taste her bloody lips on mine. I need to know she feels, regardless of what it might be; I need to know I can still stir something in her. She doesn't kiss me back but doesn't pull back. I feel my tongue roam the inside of her mouth, my fingers on her hair, clawing, pulling, wanting. Taking. I curve my body into hers, molding; fitting so perfectly. I bite down on her lip and suck on it, amazed at how soft they are, amazed I had forgotten.

"No," she says, pulling back. "No, no," she repeats, shaking her head, not looking at me as she walks out the door.

**Tegan**

I spit and watch as the running water washes the blood down the drain. I look up at my reflection and fight the overwhelming urge to slam my fist into the mirror. I hear someone knock on the door and I flush the toilet, wash my hands and walk out. Alex is waiting for me, she hugs me and I smile at her, nodding when she asks if everything's alright.

I walk towards the stage, standing between the curtain and the wall, guitar in hand. Across the stage I can see Sara's silhouette before the venue's lights darken. I walk out along with the rest of the guys, plugging in, never looking up at Sara. I lean into the mike, singing the first line of Closer and we kick off.

We're about half way through the set list, right in the middle of The Cure, when I feel it. I could feel it since I strum the first chords of the song, the knot in my throat tightening with every word. Don't, don't, not here…

_ "__All I said to you, all I did for you seems so silly to me now."_

The damn behind my eyes breaks and I turn away from the mike, walking off stage, leaving Sara to finish the song on her own. Alex holds me when I run into her arms and I begin to sob, "I can't, Alex, I c-can't go out t-there," I cry.

"Tegan, Tegan, it's alright, Sara will cover for you," she says, looking out towards the stage.

I shake my head, "the n-next s-song is Living Room," I say, "I need t-to b-but I c-can't," she looked at me and I realized she understood, they needed me out there; the guitar and vocals, Sara couldn't do it all on her own. I hear the song ending and I feel panic rising in my chest, causing me to burst into tears again.

"It's alright Tegan, I'll buy you time," Alex says, removing her tech head set and taking my acoustic. "But I can only buy you 3 minutes," she kisses me and steps onto the stage.

**Sara**

I finish The Cure and instantly feel myself panic; Tegan wasn't anywhere in sigh and from the last glimpse I got of her I could tell she was in no condition to get back on stage. Living room was next and there was no way I could do this on my own, the layers of guitar chords and her vocals, I just couldn't pull it off. I have my back to the audience, facing Ted who's giving me a look that says he has no idea what to do. That's when I hear it, the first chords of Living Room, and turn to see Alex, guitar in hand, looking in my direction. Jason begins on the drums, the petal right on time, I nod and begin playing.

_"My windows look into your living room, where I spend the afternoon on top of you..."_

Her voice stuns me, it's not that it's amazing, but it's certainly not what I expected. It's full, with deep but sweet lows and soft and gentle highs. There's no doubt in my mind she's sang before, there's no doubt she keeps up with it either. I sing along with her in the second chorus, my voice feeling foreign with hers. She turns to look over at the other side of the stage where I can see Tegan's red, tear stained face, watching us…watching _her._ Alex smiles at her as she sings the bridge and my heart sinks when Tegan smiles back.

_"Well I hope I never figure out__ w__ho broke your heart__, __baby if I do,__well I'd spend all night losing sleep__. __I'd spend the night and I'd lose my mind__, __if I spend the night then I lose my mind…" _

She closes her eyes, strumming the last chords while we both sing along. The song ends and Tegan walks on stage, wiping her face. She walks over to Alex, who's removing Tegan's guitar, and that's when she does it. Tegan reaches for her and kisses her, full on the mouth, in front of the whole audience. I feel my stomach twist and I look away. Thankfully it isn't long before Alex waves at the audience and walks off stage.

"I _know_ that's a .gif on Tumblr right this very second," Tegan laughs into the mike, turning to me. "This one's for the person who's to blame for me walking off stage, not that you'll ever know who that is," she chuckles. "Let's go," she says, nodding to the boys, and breaking into The Ocean.

_"When you wake what is it that you think of most?__When your bed is empty do you really sleep alone?__If I imagine you, body next to another."_

I take a deep breath, willing myself to get through this. _I deserve this, I really do._

**Tegan**

I walk off stage and into Alex's arms, breathing in her scent, holding her close.

"Thank you," I say into the crook of her neck.

"My pleasure," she says, a smile on her face, "now, go get your things; we're getting on the bus and passing out until tomorrow, you deserve the rest."

I head over to the dressing rooms, dreading the moment I have to be alone with Sara again. I walk in and hurry, taking my belonging and packing them up. I hear the door open and I dismiss it, knowing it was Sara, not wanting to make things worse.

"Lovely show you put out there," I hear Stacy say.

I wheel around to face her; she's standing by the door, her hand on the nob.

"What do you want?"

"Tegan…do you think she misses you?" She asks, walking over, crossing her arms, "is that what you think?"

"Depends," I say, balling my hands into fist, ready to launch at her if needed be, "what else can you make of someone punching you in the face and then kissing you?"

She stares at me, "liar."

"Ask her yourself, I have no need to waste my time with you."

She walks over to me, never raising a hand, never raising her voice, "stay away from her."

"I can't."

There's no need for explanations, she knows that response goes farther than just career wise; she knows this isn't something she can control.

She looks at me and then walks out, slamming the door behind her.

**Sara**

I'm on my knees, my hands pressing into my stomach, vile hurling from my mouth to toilet.

_ It's been so long since you said,__well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you._

It's been so long Tegan, it really has.

I breathe, pushing myself away, falling to the bathroom floor. Coughing, I curl up into a ball. I don't understand. I hadn't felt this, hadn't wanted this…her…up until now. Why now? It's too soon, far too soon. If I really wanted her then why did I leave? It hits me then: _I crave the stain of tears, the aftermark of almost too much love…_

I shake my head, hearing his voice, _"it's about you Sara,"_

"No," I say to myself, "no."


	7. Closer

**Hey guys, sorry for the wait but I needed a few days off. This one's a bit short but rather sweet, in my humble opinion. I felt this should be one chapter on its own so we could enjoy the change in pace and um mood. I have to admit I didn't want to finish this chapter…cause that meant I would have to continue to what comes next and I just kdajdkajd anyywhhooo, no hints there whatsoever. .**

**Also, on a VERY important note: this chapter is dedicated to ****dysfunctionalbubble**** who was so incredibly wonderful by keeping me company and motivating me to finish this chapter. **

**Tegan**

I walk over to Alex, her back to me, bent over my guitar and working away on changing and tuning my strings. I wrap my arms around her middle and I watch the side of her face, she smiles and giggles when I tickle her.

"Hey there, "she says removing her headphones.

"Hey, what are you listening to?" I ask, taking her headphones and putting one of them on.

"Mexican rock band," she says, laughing when I make a confused face as I listen to the foreign language.

"I like the riff, very rock 'n roll. Who is it?"

"_Jaguares_," she laughs, "Jaguars, it's called _Entre Tus Jardines; _Among Your Gardens."

"Ahh," I say, kissing her softly, "and what's it say?"

"Well right now," she takes the spare headphone and listens, "'I wanted to change your clarity and orient my cause; you changed more and went there, where the blind create their colors and their forms. I followed you there, casted away; now I float on my boat among your gardens.'"

"Wow…" I say, gazing at her.

"Mhm," she leans in and kisses me, deep and full, I feel her warm tongue dance with mine. "_Entre tus jardinez," _she whispers.

"God, I love it when you speak in Spanish," I say, my eyes closed, smiling when I hear her laugh. I sigh, realizing I've gone on a tangent again instead of addressing the one thing I don't want to talk about. "Hey, baby, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure," she turns off her IPod and walks over to the bunk bed. The bus is empty, the rest having gone to get lunch before getting ready for the Garden show tonight.

"Listened, something happened last night and I feel like it's best if I'm just honest and straightforward about this; I don't want it to come and bite me in the ass." I look up at her and say, "Sara kissed me last night."

She nods, eyes still on me, "okay."

"Right, well, she kissed me and even though I didn't kiss her back I also didn't pull away as quickly as I should've."

"Is that why you broke down in the middle of The Cure?"

"Exactly," my eyes stay glued to her face, she nods and then shrugs.

"Are you waiting to see if I flip on you?"

"Isn't that what happens now?" I ask, confused.

She laughs and shakes her head, "God, no. Listen Tegan, I'm really glad you're being so honest; it means a lot to me that you are. Now, I…I'm not going to pretend I'm not jealous, because that would be a lie, but I'm also not going to expect or demand a position that I do not hold."

I stare at her, trying to understand her every word, "which is?"

"Of the person you love, Tegan. I'm not her, that place is sacred and I am well aware of who holds that title; I will never demand that of you because I know it's not something you can give. Sara, she doesn't seem to know what she wants Tegan, but I have a feeling her heart knows who it loves, even if she doesn't acknowledge it. I knew what I was getting into when we started this Tegan; I know what it feels like to be on that end. You want, need, warmth and well…I love being the person who can provide that for you but that doesn't mean I've forgotten who holds your heart."

I just sit there, lost in her words, wondering how on earth I had been so lucky to run into this girl.

"I…thank you Alex," I hold her to me, breathing in her scent; "I really wish…we had met under different circumstances."

"I know," she pulls back and smiles, placing her hand on my face, her thumb caressing my cheek, "and Tegan, if she kisses you again…kiss her back," she says with a wink.

**Sara**

"Tell me she lied to me," Stacy says from behind me.

We're sitting in the dressing room, just having finished lunch. The other guys had decided to head out but I didn't feel like taking hours trying to get in and out of the venue since the fans were starting to arrive.

I turn to face her and frown, "what are you talking about?"

"Tegan," she stands a few feet from me, her arms crossed.

"What about her?" But I already know.

"Sara…did you kiss her?"

I sigh, burying my face in my hands. "Stacy…"

"Just answer me, Sara."

"Yes, I did," I look up at her but she won't look me in the eyes.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" She asks, eyes still not meeting mine. I shake my head, getting to my feet and walking to her, my hands outstretched, "don't touch me, Sara."

I drop my hands, "Stacy…I don't know what got into me. I punched her and then, I don't know. Something just came over me…"

"Don't" she begins, her penetrating gaze finally falling on me, "you let it happen again."

I nod, knowing I'm getting off easy.

Two hours later and I'm in the dressing room again but this time with Tegan and a journalist from the New York Times. So far the interview has been pretty basic, mostly speaking about how far we had come to be playing at the Garden. Just as I think we're finishing up our interviewer, Josh, looks up, his face lighting up and says, "So Tegan, you've created quite a buzz overnight!"

Tegan laughs and says, "did I?"

"Absolutely, we've heard all about the events of last night in Jersey!"

"Oh god, I should've known," she laughs and shakes her head, playing along.

"Now please, tell us, what happened that caused you to walk off stage in such a state?"

"Well, let's just say the song which we were playing at the time, The Cure, it brought back some rather unpleasant and upsetting memories and well…I suppose it's also the pressure and stress that we're under right now, what with such a big show here at the Garden as well…it all just makes me feel a lot more emotional and bam! Things like last night happen," she laughs.

Josh nods, as if he could totally understand where Tegan is coming from, the stress we must feel, "I see, I can imagine, all this pressure just building up, absolutely. Now, what about this lovely woman," he says, grin spreading from ear to ear, "who walked onto the stage afterwards? She filled in your spot for Living Room, is that correct?"

"Yes, she did, she's absolutely wonderful. Her name is Alexandria, she's been with us for about two months now; she's our new technician. Once she saw the state I was in she was so incredibly kind and filled in for me."

"Sara, tell me, how was that experience for you? I know you've worked with other artist but this was rather unexpected and this is a song which you and Tegan have always performed together, how did it feel? Did it feel odd to be singing one of yours and Tegan's songs with someone else?"

The question takes me a bit by surprised since I hadn't imagine he would be interested in anything other than finding who Alex was and what on earth had caused yesterday's mishaps. I smile and shrug, "Well, to be honest Josh, I was a lot more worried about my sister," I laugh and he nods sympathetically. From the corner of my eye I see Tegan pull back the slightest bit.

"Alex is, like, great as a tech and she's a good friend as well, I'm just glad she was able to fill in for Tegan until she felt, um, better. As for her singing, like I said, most of the time we were playing I was wondering if Tegan was alright, but certainly it felt different; the song has sort of like a folky feel to it that goes great with Tegan's voice whereas Alex has a more, uh, deep and full tone. It was still a great experience though, albeit it happened under unfortunate circumstances."

He nods for a second, obviously excited to go unto his next question, which is why I'm not surprised when he says, "So Tegan, so many pictures are roaming online already! This mysterious Alex, how lucky she was last night since she got a full kiss in front of thousands of fans!"

Tegan laughs again and nods, "yes, yes she did."

"Well, do tell!"

"Oh Josh, there really isn't much to tell. Alex is a wonderful woman who I've had the fortune of getting to know and well, as the two grown women we are, we've decided to keep things on the down-low. She appreciates her privacy and well, yesterday, what with me walking off stage, she made and appearance and after that I just couldn't help it, but I can assure you there won't be many more moments like that for the media."

"Oh well, that's a shame but very understandable, is there a chance we might see her again sometime?"

Tegan leans in dramatically, as if she were about to reveal a secret, and I watch Josh's excited face lean in as well.

"Maybe," Tegan says, laughing as she leans back on her chair. It takes every part of me not to hurl; just watching them act like little school girls is making me nauseous.

"Oh Tegan, you're such a tease! Is that maybe in regards to your album release event?"

"Maybe!"

"Oh, very well then! Tegan, Sara, it has been absolutely wonderful speaking with you both; in behalf of everyone in The New York Times I wish you the best of luck on your performance tonight and in the rest of your endeavors."

Soon Tegan and I are alone in the dressing room, make up ready and clothes perfectly in place. I turn to look at her and it takes every part of me to not repeat the same scene as the night before. She looks absolutely gorgeous.

"Well, good luck," I say, hand outstretched.

She turns to me and looks down at my hand, "we're playing at the Garden, Sara."

"Um…yes, I know," she won't take my hand, her eyes glued to it.

"For the first time in our career, we're playing at Madison Square Garden."

I nod, slowly dropping my hand, not sure how in the word what she's saying relates to me wishing her good luck.

"Yes, Tegan…"

"The Garden, 'the world's most famous arena'," she quotes.

"Tegan, what are you getting at?"

"I don't want to step onto that stage having only shaken your hand." She says, eyes on me, "you; my sister, my partner, my twin. This isn't just any other gig, Sara…" She walks over slowly, arms opened, and I take her in mine. I wrap my arms around her shoulder and pull her close, feeling her arms wrap around my waist, her breath in my neck.

"Teetee…we've really made it this far…"

"We have, Sasa, we have," she pulls back just enough to face me and I can feel the warmth radiating from her. My heart's beating against my chest and I'm almost sure she can hear it.

"Sara," she breathes and I can feel myself leaning forward to her warm breath, "Sara, I…" my lips meet hers and I their softness intoxicates me. I press my own against hers, craving to feel their rose petal like softness once more. I let my tongue wander as it dances with her own, pressing my body into her, wanting, needing to feel all of her against me. My hands roam beneath her shirt, her skin far softer than any silk could ever dare be. I need to breathe but the last thing I want is to pull away, finally I pull back only enough so I look into her eyes. Her eyes are closed and her breathing's heavy, matching my own.

"I know Tegan, I know," I say, leaning in to kiss her bottom lip. She pulls me against her, her hands grasping the hair in the back of my neck. She bites my lip and I shudder, wanting nothing more than lose myself completely. "Tee…we have to…go," I say through heavy breaths after pulling away.

She nods and gives me a slight smile, "good luck Sasa."

"Good luck Tee," I smile back.

We walk out of the dressing room and down the hall towards the stage. Stacy's waiting next to Alex, who smiles and hands us our guitars.

"Good luck baby," Stacy says, leaning in. I move just the slightest bit so her lips meet my cheek instead of my lips and kiss her cheek before walking to the side of the stage where I wait for Tegan.

"Thanks!" I smile, locking my guitar and ignoring the slightly confused look on her face.

Tegan joins me shortly and Alex walks over to check our in-ear monitors. She smiles and her eyes go from me to Tegan, who grins at her.

"Well ladies, best of luck. I'm sure you'll do great, what with all the energy you're radiating," she says, walking away.

"What did she-" I begin, but then Tegan turns to me, a wide smile on her face.

"Let's do this, Sara!"

The lights go dark, the smoke machine kicks in, and we head to our places. There's no need for nods or signs this time; Tegan and I are completely in synch and that alone radiates to the rest of the guys. I strum the first chords to Arrow and watch as the lights light up with every strum, the light illuminating the arena, mesmerizing me with its grandeur.

I look over at Tegan, whose eyes are on me, as I sign the first line. _This night will be unforgettable._

**Tegan**

"Tell me I'm not dreaming," I whisper into her ear, her hands fumbling with my shirt as she pulls my arms out of the sleeves, discarding it to the floor. "Please, please…tell me…"

"Tegan…Tegan…you're not, you're not dreaming…love, it's me, I'm here." She says, her kissing falling like snowflakes on my burning skin, their relief easing my need for her. I push her unto the bed, my hands exploring the contours of her body, losing myself in the softness of her bare skin. She removes my bra, her hands massaging my breast, her warm tongue exploring my mouth. I pull back the slightest bit, my hand cupping her face, my eyes meeting hers.

"Sara…I love you," I whisper, so afraid to break the spell, so afraid she'll get up at any moment and leave me again. I couldn't bear with it, not again. I've wanted this so much, wanted _her _so much…every single touch overwhelmed my senses. Her eyes glisten, the tears threatening to spill but she smiles the most sincere and heartwarming smile and lets out a small laugh.

"I love you too, Tegan," she says, the first tear sliding down the corner of her eye. "I was so scared, scared I had lost you; scared you would never want me again." I hear the first sob pass her lips and kiss her. Soft and tender, warm and honest. My hand slides down to her center, my fingers slowly entering her core.

"You'll never lose me Sara, never." My mouth moves to her neck, nibbling and sucking as my fingers pick up speed. I feel her hand massaging my thighs and I hear myself moan when her fingers begin to circle my clit, making me shudder. I begin to pump my fingers inside her, curling my fingers into her g-spot. She begins to pick up her pace, beads of sweat gathering at the crook of her neck. "Look a-at me…Sasa, l-look at m-me," I gasp. She opens her eyes, her lips parted, her breath coming in short gasps.

"Cum w-with m-me Tee," she gasps and there's no need to tell me twice. My fingers reach inside of her and just as I feel her cum dripping into my hand I feel an earthquake shake through me. I gasp just as she moans, my forehead resting against hers, her warm breath on me. I smile, loving the way her body shuddered even after her orgasm has passed, the corner of her lips twitching slightly as she gasped for breath.

"You're so beautiful," I whisper, my eyes glued to her gentle face. She opens her eyes and smiles. I lean in and kiss her, keeping my eyes opened and she does the same. "I've missed you…"

"I've missed you too…every single night." She runs her hand through my hair, her eyes taking my in. I lay next to her, my arms wrapped around her, pulling her close. She looks up at me, resting her chin on my chest. "I'm so sorry love…"

I smile, "you're here now, with me, that's what matters most." She smiles and I feel the warmth in my chest expand. "Tonight was perfect," I say, "I'm so glad we could get away."

She laughs, "I agree…but hey, we're not done yet," she traces circle on my chest and I laugh when she bites her lip. "I'm going to savor every moment of this…" She says as she straddles me, throwing the sheets off the bed, her hands on my sides as a grin spreads across her face.

"Every second," I whisper.


	8. And Darling

**Sara**

I awake to the sound of my cell phone's alarm clock going off. I grunt, my hand reaching out to turn off the alarm and throw the phone to the carpet. I take a deep breath and sigh, my eyelids not wanting to open. I feel an arm snake its way across my waist and I stop, the memories from the night before pouring like a waterfall in my mind. I turn and find Tegan's sleeping form lying next to me, the glow of the sunlight coming in through the curtains making her skin glow. I smile, my hand reaching out to outline her jaw, "Hey gorgeous, wake up…"

She grunts but smiles, her eyes still closed. I lean in and kiss her lips softly, feeling hers respond just as tenderly.

"Open your eyes Teetee, open your eyes," I whisper, my eyes on her closed ones, wanting nothing more than to be the first thing she sees when we does. She opens them and squints, a smile spreads across her lips and her hand reaches out to cup my face.

"I want to see you every morning that I wake up," she says, running her thumb along my lower lip. I kiss her thumb, slowly taking it into my mouth and sucking on it, looking into her eyes. She grins, "don't tempt me, I don't know if we have enough time."

"We don't," I laugh, wrapping my arm around her shoulder, lying on my side. "Hey Tee," I whisper.

"Hm?" She smiles.

"Wanna know something?"

"Everything"

I smile, "I love you."

She leans in to kiss me but not before replying, "I love you too." I hold unto her, loving the way her soft body molds into mine, her soft tongue caressing mine. "I'm glad you still wear it," she says, pulling back.

"I couldn't bear to part with it," I whisper, knowing too well she's referring to the ankle bracelet.

"Neither could I," she smiles.

We get up soon after, having just enough time to pack our bags and get dressed. We make our way out of my condo and I feel so glad that Stacy had decided to keep her place as a studio, which is where I now guess she must be. She always spent nights there, even after we had settled on moving in together. It had been her idea to keep the place as a work studio whereas I had opposed to the idea at first. I thank the gods of sexual persuasion that she changed my mind.

We're waiting for the cab we had ordered when Tegan turns to me, "Sara, can we talk about something?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Listen…I don't really know how to address it but I know we have to and soon, at least before we see the girls." I nod, knowing where this is going. "I…I just want to know…what are we going to do now?"

I sigh, "Tegan…I…I'll talk to Stacy, it'll be difficult but I'll get it done."

She nods, "are you sure this is what you want?"

I look at her, her eyes full of hope and yet there still seemed to be a small part of them that refused to light up.

"Yes, I'm sure. _I know what I want and what I want's right here with you_."

She laughs, "you cornball…okay, yeah…let's do this," she nods, blinking away the tears that were beginning to gather in her eyes. We get into the cab and soon we're at the hotel where the guys are staying. We're just getting off the cab and stepping into the hotel's parking lot, the tour bus in plain sight, when we see them: the guys, crew, Nick, Alex and Stacy.

Stacy turns and I feel my stomach turn, she's smiling in my direction but the look in her eyes is deadly. "What took you so long, baby? We've been waiting for about half an hour."

"Actually, just about 15 minutes," Alex corrects her, her arm sliding around Tegan's waist. She catches me looking and smiles, gives me the tinniest nod, and pulls her arm back the slightest bit, leaving some distance between her and Tegan's body.

Stacy's rolls her eyes, "right Alex," she turns to me, "how was your night?"

I shrug nonchalantly, "alright, I suppose."

"I thought you both said you were going out to celebrate together?"

"We did; we got dinner and then we went to my place and called mum to fill her in."

Stacy smiles distastefully and from the corner of my eye I see Alex glare in Stacy's direction. "That's an odd way of celebrating," Stacy says.

I shrug, "we're lame, I guess? I don't know what to tell you."

"Well, I just figured if you insisted on celebrating alone then you must've done something a lot more _interesting_ than-"

"Stacy, just drop it ok?" Alex intervenes.

"Alex, maybe we shouldn't-" Tegan starts, her hand on Alex's forearm, trying to calm her down.

"Forget it," Stacy says and walks into the bus, her bags in hand.

Alex turns to me, her eyes filled with confusion and annoyance, "called your _mother_?" She hisses, unable to comprehend why I'd say such a lame lie.

"This isn't the place," I explain before walking away.

We board the bus, each of submerging ourselves in our own world once we're inside. The ride turns into a silent treatment on Stacy's behalf, who despite of not speaking to me has decided to latch to my side on the couch. I pretend to read my worn out copy of _A Lover's Discourse _until I feel Stacy's head drop to rest on my shoulder, her breathing slow as she sleeps. I close my book and close my eyes, sighing. Tegan knew why I had used the "mother" card. No one but Lindsey, Ted, and Emy knew that our mother was aware and fully supportive of our relationship. If Stacy decided to drop a call to mum I knew I could trust her into covering for us; she'd do anything if it meant Tegan and I were getting back together. I look across the aisle where Tegan and Alex are, their heads close together, their voices hushed. I'm pretty certain Tegan is explaining everything to Alex, who I see shake her head in disagreement. I know what she expected; for me to speak to Stacy as soon as I got the chance, to drop her and get back with Tegan. And perhaps she had a point, perhaps I was wrong for dragging this out but I couldn't help but feel like Stacy deserved a better ending than that.

The day flies by surprisingly fast, considering eight hours of it were spent on the road, and soon Tegan and I are standing backstage, ready to take our places and checking our equipment. I see Stacy walking over and I smile, turning to Alex as she checks to make sure the in-ear monitors are fully functioning.

"Can you give us a minute, Alex?" Stacy says, never turning to look at her.

"Yup," Alex says, rolling her eyes in my direction before turning to Stacy, smiling, and walking towards Tegan.

"I can't stand her," Stacy sighs, shaking her head, "listen Sara, you and I need to talk, I'm sure you know?" I nod, "good, I'll wait for you at the bus after the show; we'll talk as soon as we get to the hotel." She turns without waiting for an answer and I see her silhouette disappear as the lights dim.

The show goes by smoothly but mostly thanks to Tegan, who keeps the audience entertained with her jokes while I just smile and nod, dancing only once to Closer out of habit rather than enjoyment. My mind couldn't help but to wander back to Stacy: what did she want to talk about, exactly? What would I say to her? Was it best to do it now or later?

About one third of the show in I decided to snap out of it and focus on the now. After all, for all I knew, this might just be the most peaceful moment I might have until I could be with Tegan again. I look over to her as she goes on and on, telling the audience some story about god knows what, and I smile. _Let me just enjoy this now; let me have this one memory of her imprinted in mind. _

I walk backstage, handing my guitar to Alex just as Tegan walks over to me, arms surrounding me. I hug her back and smile, breathing in her scent. I feel Alex poke me in the ribs and I pull back turning to her, a frown on my face. "What?"

"Sara," she says, her head nodding in the opposite direction. Tegan and I turn; Stacy's standing a few yards away, her arms crossed. She turns and starts making her way out of the venue, I turn to look at Tegan, who nods, before following her.

"Hey, I thought you were going to be on the bus," I say, catching up to her.

"Yeah well, I thought that was rather insensitive of me but I suppose Tegan knows how to provide you comfort as well."

I wince, "Stacy, I-"

"Not here Sara, just wait."

We climb on the bus and Stacy heads straight for the bathroom, locking herself in. Soon enough everyone arrives and the bus pulls out of the venue, heading straight for the hotel. Tegan and Alex occasionally glance in my direction and I shrug, not knowing what Stacy plans myself. Finally, I hear the bathroom door open and she sits next to me in silence. We arrive at the hotel, each of us grabbing our backpacks for the night and checking in. I set my bag down on the carpeted floor, stretching as I walk over to the bathroom, washing my face and combing my hair out of habit. When I enter the room I find Stacy sitting on chair beside the bed, her gaze distant.

"Hey," I say, unsure of how to address her.

"Sit," she gestures to the bed in front of her and I oblige.

"Listen, Stacy-"

"No, you listen Sara," she says and I'm taken aback by the tone of her voice, "I'm not an idiot. Did you really think you could screw her and I'd never find out? Did you really think you could reel me in, have your fun, and then just walk back into her arms? I'm not a fucking idiot Sara!"

"I don't think you're an idiot Stacy…I guess I just didn't know what I wanted…I don't know what I was thinking and I'm so sorry for-" I'm cut off by the back of her hand, my face flying in the opposite direction. I raise my hand to my face, feeling the sting on my cheek as I fight back the tears.

"Don't…don't Sara…don't fucking go there," she stands, pacing the room, the tears spilling onto her face. "I tried, you know? I really did…but…I-I just c-can't understa-and," she says, breaking into sobs.

I walk over to her, my own tears blurring my vision, "Stacy, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

She shakes her head, taking a step back, "No, No Sara…you're not leaving me," she says.

"Stacy, I can't…this isn't something I can fight; look at all the mess I've caused thinking I could…"

"No," she repeats, shaking her head, "you're no leaving me."

"I can't stay-" she cuts me off, but this time with her lips, pressing herself into me. I stand there; not pulling away but not kissing back either.

She pulls back and looks at me, disgust in her eyes, "how?"

"How what?"

"How…_How_ can you possibly want _her!?_" She yells, shoving me back.

"Stacy, I-" She launches at me, her fists pounding on my shoulders, my hands gripping her by the elbows trying to keep her at bay as she struggles, trying to free herself from my grip. "Stacy…fuck…Stacy calm down!"

"No!" She pulls back, out of my grip, and I swear I can't recognize the look in her eyes. "Listen to me Sara; you're not going to leave me! You have no fucking right to leave me! I don't care what I have to do, I waited for you, I lied for you…always feeling like the "other woman", always feeling like all I was good for was to satisfy your thirst for risks; for something different…and when you finally tell me you love me…you leave me," she shakes her head violently, "No…you won't…I won't let you."

"Stacy, there's nothing you can do…I can't stay," I say.

"Listen to me Sara, there's the door," she points, "but if you dare walk out on me…I won't hesitate to tell the whole world who you're leaving me for."

I catch my breath, my stomach turning as the realization hits me, "No…you wouldn't," I shake my head, "you can't…you can't do that to me."

"Oh, I can and I will…if you leave me Sara…if you leave me I'll make sure you and Tegan never have a single moment of peace. Think Sara, think of what your fans will say…think of the field day the press will have with you; your career will crumble. Everything you've worked for will go to waste…and then…when the authorities get involved…Sara, your lovely Tegan will go behind bars."

I shake my head, the tears already spilling, "you wouldn't do that Stacy…you wouldn't."

"You have two choices Sara," she says, wiping the tears from her face, "you stay with me…or I talk." I burry my face in my hands, shutting my eyes, trying to will this conversation away, telling myself this is only a nightmare. "Or even better," I hear her say and I wonder how she could possible ask for more, "you either marry me or I accuse Tegan of sexual and incestual harassment."

"You can't prove anything!" I yell at her.

"Are you fucking serious Sara!?" She shoves me and I fall unto the bed, "Do you think I never noticed that fucking bracelet? Would you really ask your family and friends to lie in court? Would you place them in that predicament, Sara?" She leans in, her hot breath on me, "it doesn't matter you know? It doesn't matter if it was consensual or not Sara…it's still illegal. I would either throw Tegan behind bars by saying she repeatedly forced you to have sex with her or hell, if you want, I can just throw you _both_ behind bars. Think about it Sara, your lovely Teetee…in jail…can you imagine all the things that might happen to here there?…can you imagine all the things I can have done to her there?"

I shake my head, closing my eyes, _this isn't happening._

"Now…Sara, answer me…will you marry me?"

I want to run, I want to scream; I want to be anywhere else but here. I feel my chest burn, the marrow in my bones becoming undone as I realize my only option. I can't hold myself together but I have no choice. I can't do that to Tegan, I can't.

"Y-yes," I stutter before breaking into sobs.

"Good girl," she says, leaning in and kissing my neck, slowly climbing on top of me on the bed.

"No…p-please…n-no" I whisper, pushing her away.

"You don't have a say anymore, Sara…you belong to me now." She says in my ear, her hands unzipping my jeans.

"Don't…Stacy, p-please."

But it seems I've become nothing but a rag doll, my limbs numb, the tears flowing down the side of my face. She undresses me and then herself as I cry; no strength left in me at all. I press my palms to my eyes, wanting to be anywhere else, telling myself this isn't happening. It is only minutes later that I realize I'm speaking, low whispers making their way out of my lips, "stop, please stop…" I can't even recognize the sound of my own voice; it sounds so frail, so ready to break. She pulls me up as she gets out of the bed and a part of me lifts, hoping she's done with me.

"Kneel," she orders and I look up at her.

"What?" I whisper, unable to believe what she's asking of me.

"Kneel!" She pushes me to my knees, opens her legs and grabs my hair, shoving my face to her center, "eat."

I comply, the tears never interrupting their steady stream. Hours later, after it's all over, I make my way into the shower, crawling into fetal position as the spray from the showerhead falls on me. My fingers trace the inside of my thighs, the bruises from Stacy's grip an ugly shade of purple and green. I move to readjust my body and I wince from the pain in my center, the memories of her violent thrusts rushing back, but I can't cry anymore. I'm empty. An hour later, after toweling myself dry and dressing, I open the door to the room. Stacy's leaning against the headboard, looking in my direction; she pats the space next to her.

"Come to bed," she says, but I know it's an order.

I walk over and slide beneath the sheet, my back turned to her. She lies beside me and wraps her arm around my waist, pulling me close. "I love you," she whispers and soon I hear her breathing slow, falling fast asleep. I lay awake the rest of the night, my eyes unable to close, my mind unable to stop racing; the memory of Tegan being the only thing I can hold on to.

_I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…_

**TEGAN**

I walk down to lobby with Alex, backpacks slung over our shoulders. I yawn and stretch before cracking my neck to the side. I sigh in relieve as I feel the tension in my bones lessen.

"Goddamn Tegan, you really didn't have to sleep on the floor, you know?" Alex says, shaking her head.

I chuckle, "don't worry about it, I'm used to it." She smiles and shakes her head before nodding in the opposite direction. I turn and see the boys and crew heading over to us, some of them rubbing the sleep from their eyes. I laugh and punch Ted's shoulder playfully, "lazy," he chuckles and shoves me against Alex, who pushes me back.

"I'm glad to see you're so hyped," Ted says with a wink.

"Yeah well, you know," I smile.

I turn to see Sara and Stacy heading towards us and my eyes fall to their held hands. I feel Alex grip my forearm and when I look down I see my fists clenched tightly. I look up at her and nod, stretching my palms open and following her in the direction of the bus. Once we're settled the bus roars to life and begins to pull out of the parking lot, heading straight for Montreal.

"I can't wait to spend the night at home baby, can you?" I hear Stacy say, her arms wrapped around Sara's middle as they sit on the couch. Sara shakes her head, her eyes miles away as she looks out the window. I feel a nudge on my knee and I turn to face Alex who's sitting next to me at the kitchen counter. She raises her eyebrow and nods in the direction of the couch and I shrug. I didn't know how to explain this myself.

About three hours into the drive Alex and I are sitting on my bunk and watching Imagine Me &You.

"_Because what you're feeling now, Rachel, is the unstoppable force. Which means that I've got to move.__"_ I recite along with Heck as Alex giggles at my lame attempts at a manly British accent. "You know, it's supposed to be a sad moment," I laugh as she covers her face with the pillow to stifle her giggles.

"Yeah, but your voice," she laugh and I shake my head.

"Excuse me," I look up to see Stacy a few feet away from the foot of the bunk bed, "we have an announcement to make, care to join us?" Her eyes are pinned on me and there's a grin playing at the corner of her lips, "please?"

I nod and turn to Alex, who follows me towards the small living room-like space towards the front of the bus. Sara's sitting on the couch, eyes still staring outside the window. There are dark shadows under her eyes and her face seems worn out, her cheekbones sunken in, and it is then that I realize she looks as if she had been crying for hours. Stacy walks towards her and offers her hand; Sara looks up and stares at her for a second before offering hers and standing beside her. I turn to see everyone huddling behind me and I turn to Alex, whose face expresses my own confusion.

"As you all know," Stacy begins, turning to us, "Sara and I have been happily together for a few months now," her eyes lock on mine, "and, well, last night her and I made an incredible decision," she pauses, "Sara and I are getting married!"

"What?" The word is out of my lips before I can stop myself. I feel Alex grip my arm but it's nothing compared to the pressure building in my chest. "Sara?" She won't look at me, her eyes are glued to floor of the bus, "say something!"

"Tegan," Alex says, her grip on my arm tightening, positioning her body between them and I.

"Aren't you happy for us Teetee?" Stacy grins and it takes every ounce of strength in me to not spit on her face.

"Stacy, shut the fuck up before I either let Tegan deck you in the face or I do it myself," Alex says, facing Stacy, her eyes shooting daggers.

"Sara, say something for the love of fuck!" I yell in vain. "Fuck it," I storm towards the front of the bus, kicking at the door, "open the fucking door Dave!"

"What the fuck Tegan!?" He says, hitting the breaks. I stumble to the side, my ribs crashing against the handrail from the sudden movement. I hear the crew stumble around, yelling at me to calm down but as soon as Dave opens the door I'm out onto the highway, my feet running towards the dry dirt field.

"Tegan, Tegan wait up!" I hear Alex behind me and I fall to my knees, sobbing as her arms wrap around me. "There…there, breathe, just breathe…baby, breathe," she whispers in my ear and I try my best to heed her words.

"Tegan," I hear Stacy call out from the bus.

"Fuck off Stacy!" Alex yells, "fuck off or I swear to you I'll rip your fucking head off."

"Calm the fuck down Alex," Stacy calls, "I was just going to say Sara wants to talk to her."

I look up and see Sara standing beside Stacy who's gripping her arm, her face crunched up, her lip quivering; she's fighting back tears. Stacy releases her and Sara rushes over, reaching out for me but I pull back, crawling away from her and Alex. "Don't touch me," I say.

"Tegan, listen to me," Alex says, "I'll go help Ted clear things up with the guys, please just stay here until I get back." I nod and she heads in the direction of the bus, leaving a fair distance between herself and Stacy as she walks pass her.

"Tegan, Tegan, I'm sorry," Sara says, reaching out once more. I get on my feet and stumble backwards, placing enough space between us both.

"Don't fucking apologize, Sara," I spit at her, "there's nothing you can say…not a fucking word to make this better!"

"I..I," she stutters, stops and looks back towards the bus to where Stacy stands. "I just…I thought a lot about it Tegan and…what happened in New York…it was a mistake. I'm so sorry but…it was a mistake."

I gape at her, wiping my tears off my face, the dust on my hands from crawling on the ground mixing with the tears, leaving smudges on my cheeks but I don't care. "A mistake Sara? Is that what it was?"

She sighs, stands, and pulls at the hem of her shirt before looking up, regaining her posture, "yeah Tegan, I'm sorry. I want to be with Stacy and we're getting married."

I laugh and shake my head, "you are one fucking case Sara," I say, gesturing from her to Stacy and back, "you want to be with this _her_? With _this _bitch?"

"Tegan please," she sighs again, "can't you just respect my decision?"

"Respect? _Respect!?_ Are you fucking joking? You gotta _earn_ respect Sara, not ask for it, not demand it. I'm your sister, I'm the one who ten times the amount of respect you have for_ her_," I point at Stacy. "Do you just do it to get a kick out of me Sara? Do you get off from watching me break down like this over your shit?"

She shakes her head, burying her face in her hands, "no Tegan, I don't."

"Then what is it?"

"I just…I made a mistake, I didn't think things through; it was the intensity of the moment I suppose. Being on stage at the Garden, making it so far…I suppose it all got tangled inside me and I thought I wanted you back."

I shake my head, looking at the ground, and that's when I see it. The ring on her finger. I stumble a few feet away from her and bend over, my stomach turning inside out. I hear Alex call out and rush over from the bus, her arms around me, holding me while I hurl unto the dry dirt road.

"Sara just leave," I hear Alex call over her shoulder.

"But I-" I hear Sara take a few steps forward.

"Leave for fuck's sake!" Alex yells.

I dry heave, my hands on my knees, "they're gone," Alex says to me. I nod, taking deep breaths. She reaches into her pocket and hands me a napkin, her hand on my back, massing soothing circles as I breathe in. I wipe my mouth and lean into her as she embraces me. "I'm so sorry," she whispers in my ear. I nod as sobs break through my chest and I begin to cry, burying my face in the crook of her neck.

"Shhh…breathe Tegan, just breathe…"

**Author's Note: Well...now you know why I kept putting this off ; ;  
Also, I posted this note for all of you wonderful people who have taken the time to read this story: post/33203499295/shoutout-to-everyone-whos-read-clearly-loudly**


	9. One Day I'll Be Gone

Sara

My eyes open and glaze over the apparition, adjusting to the glare caused by the bathroom light against the mirror. The skin appears pale, almost paper-white, bordering on translucent, as fingers trace slowly along one of my ribcages. I raise my other hand and place it against my cheekbone, turning my head from side to side, admiring the sunken concave formed there.

_I'm wasting away_…

My hands meet in my chest, feeling the light rhythmic beat of the machinery beneath it as it goes about its chore.

_Hollow hollow…chest._

I breathe in deep as my hands slide down to cup my breasts, my head angling back as the glare behind my eyelids intensifies into a neon red.

_Tegan…_

The soft curve of her hips appear in my mind's eye, my hands softly gliding up her torso, my lips dropping gentle kisses like spring showers as I rise up to meet her eyes.

_Her eyes…her eyes…_

Those brown agates, with which just the right light become a wonderful shade of hazel, never truly revealing their nature; I long for that soft gaze, so full of love.

_Vestige._

A nock on the door awakens me from my reverie, startling me into reality.

"Sara," its Stacy, "come out."

I shudder, "in a minute," I mumble towards the door and I sigh in relieve when her footsteps fade. I turn towards the mirror, the girl facing me resembling nothing but a hallow shell.

_I'm wasting away…_

**Tegan**

"Darling, are you listening?"

My fingers are dancing, flexing and stretching, from one string to the other, my breath caught in my chest, my eyes fixed on the fret board. _You are nothing but the fallacy I found while on my drunken stupor…_

"Tegan…" my eyes detach themselves from the fret board, flying up, like a deer in the headlights, "talk to me," Alex whispers, her hand on my face.

I sigh, "I'm sorry…I was just working on something…what did you say?"

She smiles, "I know, '_drunken stupor_' again?"

I nod, "can't seem to make it pass that."

"Maybe you shouldn't force it, Teegs…maybe you should come to terms with this before trying to squeeze all the emotion out of yourself in the form of a song."

"There's nothing to come to terms with," I say, rising from my seat and setting the acoustic on its stand, "now, what were you saying?" I turn to face her as she sits on the couch, her head resting on her hand, her elbow propped against the head of the couch. I finally take her image in; the midnight blue dress she's wearing, the side cut revealing her smooth legs, _she looks so…lovely._

"I was saying: you only have an hour to get ready before we have to leave for the show."

I nod, my eyes surveying her body, my feet carrying me forward, "we have enough time."

She chuckles, "you mean _you_ have enough time; I'm all ready to go."

I sit on the couch, my palm smooth against her warm thigh as I glide it up her leg and beneath her dress, "I'd say _we_ have enough time." I press my lips against her warm mouth, my tongue mingling with hers as I press myself against her body. My lips begin to trace kisses down her neck and along her collar bone, her ragged breath on my ear. But just as my fingers begin to press against her panty covered center, already wet from my advances, she pulls away.

"Tegan…we have to go soon," she says, pushing me away with a grin on her face.

I groan, "so you're going to leave me high and dry?"

"You've done it to me rather often," she says, getting off the couch and walking away.

I sigh, straightening my tie for the hundredth time, frowning at the mirror.

"This thing just won't stay," I tug at the collar of my blue shirt, "in" tug "fucking" tug "place!" I gasp as the hem of the collar rips, the thread curling up as soon as it tears. "Son of a bitch!"

"Tegan, what is it?" Alex hurries in, her coat on, her purse in hand. "Oh Christ, I told you not to pull on it." She walks over, untying the knot and removing my tie to inspect the damage.

"The damn tie wouldn't stay in place and when it would the collar would get crooked and either way I looked stupid," I exasperate.

"I told you to let me do it Tee," she begins to unbutton my shirt, "you'll have to wear something else; thank god we got more than one set of clothes."

I chuckle, "see how being indecisive can be a good thing?" She sticks her tongue out at me and I cross my eyes at her, teasing her for whining so much when we had gone shopping for the prerelease show just a week ago.

"Here, this will look great on you," she says, handing me the blouse we had purchase in case I didn't want to wear the dress shirt with the suit.

"Anything looks great on me," I wink at her as I strip off the blazer and blue button down. She moves forward before I can pull the blouse on and I pause, lowering my arms. She gazes at my torso, her warm palms pressing against my middle, her fingers caressing the faint outline forming along my stomach, my abs slowly becoming more visible. Workouts were paying off.

"Tee," she whispers and I place my hands to her waist, pulling her to me.

"Yeah?" She looks up to meet my eyes, her hands rising to outline my jawline.

"You're changing," there are tears in the corner of her eyes and, as I press my forehead to hers, one spills, leaving a trail of crystal liquid gold behind.

"I had no choice," I whisper.

By the time our car pulls up to the Beacon Theater's parking lot we're already a few minutes late. Our makeup artist is on me as soon as I'm out of the car, reapplying make up in any place I myself missed as she informs me that the band is backstage and ready to start our quiet time. I turn to look at Alex as she walks alongside me, talking away with one of the other sound engineers as she places her gear belt around her waist. I smile, "tough looking babe," I wink and she laughs as she sets her headset in place, blowing me a kiss.

I take a deep breath as my hand grips the doorknob to the band room and step in. Ted looks up and smiles before placing his index finger to his lips; I nod. I make my way to only empty chair in the room next to Jasper, who crosses his eyes at me and I smile. I look towards the corner of the room and my eyes land on Sara, whose eyes are on the floor, her hands tightly grasped. Despite the well applied makeup I can tell her cheekbones are sunken in, her jaw protruding as she grits her teeth; I could swear I can hear her grinding them across the room. All the makeup that must've been used to make her look slightly decent…

She looks up, catching me off guard and I hold her stare. Her eyes are void of any form of emotion…and if things were different I might even be alarmed. But I am who I am and she herself, and so when the alarm signaling the end of our quiet time sounds I stand and walk right out the door.

**Sara**

The lights dim as I walk onto the stage, the screaming of the crowd deafening. I glance at Tegan, who barely looks at me as she nods. The show runs smoothly as we play through the Heartthrob track list, the fans mostly yelling and clapping, singing along only to the handful of songs we've played live before today. I speak a few times, even make a few jokes, but I can barely remember anything after the fact. We finish I Run Empty and all I can think of is how true that is right now as I wave to the fans and smile.

I walk offstage, handing Alex my in ear monitor and heading towards the dressing room. I gasp when I open the door, coming face to face with Stacey, "fuck"

"Guilty conscious, darling?" She walks over to me, placing her hands on my shoulders and kissing me in the cheek as I shake my head. "Good, keep it that way; I'll see you at home, don't take too long." I nod as she walks out the door.

I sit facing the mirror as I reach out for some makeup removing wipes. Tegan opens the door, walking straight towards her bag. She walks over to the counter and reaches out for some of her personal items and her jacket and she shoulders her bag in place.

"We need to talk," she says and I almost jump; she hasn't said a word to me outside of work related issues in months. Ever since…that day. She stares at me through the mirror and I realize she's waiting for me to confirm her request.

"Sure, in regards to?"

"The band," she doesn't look away.

I turn to face her, "keep going."

She sighs, "I'm leaving the band."

I stare at her, half expecting her to start laughing and yelling "GOTCHA!" before I remember that there's no way Tegan could ever be so lighthearted around me again.

"What?"

She shrugs, "you heard me. I'm leaving. I'm not going to sit around and pretend I feel comfortable or remotely interested in having anything involving you in my life."

I grip the edge of the counter, my vision blurred, my chest pressing against my lungs, and thought I feel myself falling I can't prevent the inevitable as I her Tegan's voice yell, "Sara! Sara! Someone help!"

I hear voices murmuring as I begin to open my eyes, the smell of alcohol strong in my nostrils.

"What-? What happened?" I mumble, trying to sit up before I feel hands push me back down into the couch.

"Ms. Quin, please, just relax for a minute; you fainted a few minutes ago." It's a man's voice. I squint at the light as his face comes into vision, it's an EMT. Probably one of the ones who was at the show. He smiles, "there, better?" I nod. "Your blood dropped and you pasted out, but you should be well now, get some rest."

He gets up and I see him walk towards Tegan, Ted, and Nick, who're standing near the door. They nod and thank him, following as he exits the room, Tegan's the last to leave and I surprise myself when I speak up, "Tee.."

She stops mid stride and turns to look at me, "you need rest Sara."

"Tee…I just-"

"She knows, if that's what you're going to ask; she's on her way." I stop, realizing she means Stacey and I nod, feeling nauseous as I do so.

"Did you mean it?" I ask.

"I do," she says, closing the door behind her.

She's leaving me.


	10. A Whisper, A Clamor

**Tegan**

Specks of dust dance about the room, their presence made visible only by the single ray of light coming in through the window. I watch as they swirl and spiral, their un-choreographed dance enchanting me; their movements seeming endless. All shades but one are drawn, the lights off, the air heavy with the scent of car freshener; the presence of disappointment far too abundant. A clearing of the throat brings me back from my daze, and my eyes cast down towards the floor, looking for a stain on the rug to focus on. The slight static coming through the speakers of the office phone clears and I hear Calvin speak.

"Tegan, please tell me, in the name of the aneurism I am bound to get in the case that you're not shitting me, that you're joking."

There, a coffee stain, the most recent one it seems; the brown vividly tainting the vanilla rug. About 3 days old, I suppose…the same amount of days since I told Nick of my resolve.

I point at the stain, "when did you do that, Nick?"

"Tegan…"

I don't look up.

"Looks 'bout three days old. This rug really needs some cleaning-"

"For the love of cunt, answer the man!"

I sigh, hiding my face in my hands, "No, Calvin, I'm not shitting you."

There's a pause on the other end, I turn towards Nick, sitting on his office chair, his desk completely cleared but for the phone from which Calvin's sigh now reverberates.

"Sara, do you mind explaining this to me? Because Tegan seems to be too fucking fascinated by some fucking rug."

I turn back to the specks of dust as I hear Sara writhe in her chair. I sit up and turn to face them.

"Calvin, I've thought about it for a long time now. I know it's hard to believe, I know how much work you've all put into this, into us, into _me._ Into _my_ work…but I can't do this anymore."

"What, Tegan? What can't you do anymore?" Calvin's voice fills up the room, "Fifteen years almost, fifteen fucking years, and _now_ you're tired? Don't give me half assed answers, fucking Christ!"

"It's because of me," Sara whispers and I forget to breathe. I never expected her to take an active role in this conversation. She hadn't said a word about it since the incident after the premiere and never showed a sign of putting up a fight. I didn't want to have to give a full explanation…I couldn't stand to see her but that didn't mean I wanted to ruin her career…that didn't mean I had stopped caring.

"Sara? How so?" Calvin's quiet, Nick's eyes are glued to Sara's face. I stare at her feet, incapable of looking into her eyes.

"Don't," I say through clenched teeth.

"If you're leaving then-" her voice breaks, I can hear the knot in her throat; I can feel my own closing up. I shake my head, still not looking at her as she continues, "then it doesn't matter. N-none of it does. It doesn't m-matter if they k-know."

"Stop, just stop," I breathe.

"Sara," Nick leans forward in his chair, "we deserve an explanation."

I hear Sara sigh; see her nod from the corner of my eye.

"I need some air," I say, standing and making my way out the door; they don't try to stop me.

I walk over to the windows overlooking L.A., the buzzing of the city streets below me barely audible through the thick glass. It's a sunny day like any other down there, the cars making their way from one end of the city to the other. I sigh at the irony; the contrast of the weather with my current state of being, with the current state of my life. I sit on the couch near the door, focusing on the plant stationed in front of me, the leaves are still green but their edges are dried; finality eminent.

Almost an hour passes before the office door opens ajar and Nick steps out, his face tired, the bags beneath his eyes heavy and dark. He opens the door wider and gestures inside. "Come in," he says, his voice almost a whisper.

Sara's standing by the window, the light coming in through the blinds outlining her silhouette. Her arms are wrapped around her body, back hunched forward, hair slightly ruffled as if she had resorted to her nervous habit of hair gripping. I make my way towards the chair slowly, trying to prepare myself for the long interrogation which was sure to come. The speaker phone is silent safe for Calvin's heavy breath which sporadically fills the room. Nick takes his seat across the desk and rubs his tired eyes.

"Sara, please take a seat," he says.

Sara hesitates, her back to me, and sighs before making her way to her chair. The silence hangs heavy around our necks before Nick clears his throat.

"Is this," he pauses, clears his throat once more, "is this your final decision?"

I pause, unsure I heard him correctly, "pardon?"

He leans forward, his eyes on the rug before my feet, unable to look me in the eye, "is this the only solution you can find?"

"Nick, did Sara not explain-"

"Sara explained everything to me," he says, finally looking at me directly.

"Then…I…I don't quite understand."

"Tegan," comes Calvin's voice through the speakers, his voice tired and worn, "at this moment all that I know is that one of the most talented women I've ever worked with is insisting on abandoning her life's work." I open my mouth to speak but before I so much as get a word out he goes on, "I do not care for explanations to your actions when it comes to your private life, Tegan, and though I might not understand this…this bond you and Sara have shared from a young age, what I can tell you is this: you owe each other a level of fidelity."

I hear Sara shift around her leather chair, her fingers find their way to her hair and I see her grip slightly before settling the misplaced strands back down.

"Fidelity?" I muse out loud.

"Yes, fidelity," Nick goes on for Calvin, who I hear blow his nose in the background, "all these years of work, of devotion…should not be wasted due to a rapture in affections."

"What you do not understand," I say through clenched teeth, slowly rising for my seat, "is that _my_ fidelity was never in question." This time I reach for my bag, remove my Warner ID from its clipped place on my shirt, and drop it before Nick as I make my exit.

I punch in the 1st floor button in the elevator, fuming over the whole ordeal. I couldn't go through with it, none of it. Being around Sara, as of late, had grown to be more than tiresome; it was torture. Seeing her not only enticed my need to reach out and caress her, but to speak to her, ask her what was wrong. Her state was worrisome. But I was no one to her anymore and pretending that my ability to be around her had remained intact was not something I was capable of. It wasn't something I was willing to continue to do.

I exit the elevator and rush towards the parking lot, Alex's keys in hand, as I finally reach her new car. Throwing my bag to the passenger seat I start the engine and bolt towards West Olive Avenue, tears already blurring my eyes as memories begin to haunt me. Sara and I lying down on a hammock at the age of 7, our first kiss at the age of 13, 15 year old Sara throwing the mix tape I made her for Valentine's day at me only to rush across the room when the tape hits my face, blood dripping from the corner of my eyebrow, the gash stinging. Sara pressing the sleeve of her shirt to the cut, asking me if I'm okay, if I can forgive her, then pausing before pressing her lips against my own after two long years of hostility. Our first night together, our first anniversary, our first CD release. Image after image rolls through my mind like a worn out movie film; no color, no sound, only the sickening feeling of a bottomless pit in my chest as sobs pour from my mouth.

Before I know it I'm nearing the end of Barham Boulevard, racing towards Hollywood Freeway, and it is then that I become aware of my surroundings. Most particularly the speed at which I'm driving. I hit the brakes but they won't respond. I feel my hands tremble and just before my eyes reach the speedometer I hear a honk. Turning to my left I feel a rush of cold fever wash over me as my eyes take in the sight of the incoming truck. I gasp as the air rushes out of my lungs, a frail scream barely escaping my lips; the searing pain overtakes me as I give into the darkness.

**Sara**

I open my eyes, squinting against the brightness of the hospital light. I try to raise my left arm to cover my face but regret it when I feel a sharp pain on my side. I lower my arm slowly but a gasp of pain escapes my lips just as my arm hits the bed and it is then that I hear rustling.

"Sara? Are you awake?" I turn to my right and see Alex sitting in the corner of the room, a blanket draped over her, her eyes squinting towards the light as mine had a few seconds before.

"Hey," I say in a low voice.

"Hey, don't move now, the cuts are still fresh," she says, getting up from the chair and walking over to my left side of the bed. "Do you need anything? I can ask for something to eat if you're hungry; the doctor did say you should drink lots of liquids."

I smile tiredly, "a glass of water would be nice," I comply.

"Orange juice, Sar, you need something with substance," she says as she walks out the door, a slight smile on her face.

I turn to my left then and see her, the light of the room enhancing her ghostly appearance. The scratches that have made their home along her features are still fresh, the green and purple bruises on her arms seem to have swollen from the last time I had seen her. _How long have I been asleep? _ My eyes drift down against my better judgment and I feel the stinging of tears as soon as I see the tubes connecting to her left lung. What I can make of her torso beneath the gashes that cover the cuts of the surgery is nothing but bruises and cuts, compared to my single chest tube, Tegan is completely covered. Alex walks in with a food tray and sees me observing Tegan.

"Sara…she's going to be fine."

I shake my head, my sobs pouring from my mouth before I can help it, "I thought she was supposed to be fine after the transplant; she was supposed to be better!"

Alex sets the tray on the table by my bed and holds me, "she is Sara, she's better, and she's going to be fine. You did a wonderful thing Sara, you saved her; she's going to be fine."

"Then why are there still so many tubes? Why isn't she better?" I gasp.

"They're for precaution Sara, you know that…besides, there's something I need to tell you." She pauses and waits for me to recover before saying, "during the surgery…after the doctors had transplanted your left lung to Tegan…her right, the one that had been punctured, collapsed as well."

"What? Alex, you mean-"

"Tegan is only alive because of you, Sara; she's living on one lung, as you are."

Alex hugs me and I feel myself clutch to her like a lifesaver. I can't begin to imagine what would've happened had we waited any longer. I remember sitting with Nick and Calvin after Tegan rushed out of the office, my phone ringing less than 40 minutes after, the nurse explaining Tegan had been rushed to Burbank Community Hospital after a car accident, that she was in a critical state. I remember Nick trying to calm me down as I had a panic attack in his car while he drove, rushing to the receptionist, seeing Alex already there, the doctor explaining that Tegan's left lung had collapsed from the impact, her right was punctured and it was possible it wouldn't last long, that he needed someone to donate and soon. I remember signing form after form, the nurse placing the oxygen mask over my face, the stinging of the syringe and then the heaviness of a deep sleep beneath the intense hospital lights.

"Promise me she'll be alright," I breathe, my arms still clutching unto Alex.

"I promise."

Blinding.

Cold. Silent. Blinding.

_Where am I?_

I walk forward, the low presence of a beep in the distance pulling me forward. I can see something, machinery perhaps, I can't quite tell. My heart begins to race; there's something wrong. I run, my bare feet hitting the cold marvel floor, the hospital gown flapping by my ankles.

_Tegan?_

I stop a few feet from the bed, the tubes already visible, her skin just as pale as before.

_Beep…beep…beep_

My feet inch slowly towards the bed and I gasp. Her chest is completely cut open; the blood drenching the sheets, the place where her lungs should be is nothing but a cavernous gaping hole. I scream but no sound seems to make its way past my lips.

"_Sara…why?" _

Her eyes are closed, her mouth shut; she's in my head. I shake my head none stop, the tears flowing down my face.

_Beep…..beep…beeeeeeeep_

_ "I JUST WANTED TO PROTECT YOU!"_

My eyes fly open as I gasp, sweat covering my face as I try to catch my breath.

"Nightmares already, Sara?"

I turn towards the window and see Stacy, her back to me, looking towards the city.

"Stacy…I…I'm sorry I didn't call," I say, my eyes cast down, dread filling my stomach.

"I know you are, Sara, I know you're sorry," she walks over between Tegan's bed and my own, her eyes glued to the tubes connecting to her chest. "She looks so frail," her fingers hover over the biggest tube, the one pumping oxygen directly to her spare lung. "Like I can break her at any second," my heart's caught in my throat as I see her hold the tube, finally turning to me, "perhaps because I can."

"Stacy, please…"

"Please?" She lets go of the tube and walks to my bed, and I feel relief wash over me, "Next time you decide to play hero, Sara, you _will _regret it."

"There was no time, they needed a donor and I thought-"

Her hand grips my throat and I choke, I feel a sharp pain on my side and I know then she's gripping the tube, preventing the air from reaching my lung. Panic kicks in as I gaze into her eyes, _I can't recognize you anymore._

"Don't think, Sara; obey."

She releases me and storms out the door.


End file.
